George W. Bush, in an attempt to shift focus away from the newly released Weapons of Mass Destruction Report and unable to say anything good about the economy, jobs creation or oil prices, has begun talking on the campaign trail about his No Child Left Behind initiative that was signed into law in 2002. While the success of the Initiative has been spotty at best, the true irony of the Bill has only just come to light. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse was quoted as saying, "Actually, we had no idea this was an education bill. The President thought this was a Sexual Predator Bill...he thought the name was "No Child's Left Behind", meaning that you shouldn't touch children's tushies. Imagine the irony we felt when we realized that George Bush was talking about education, especially math scores."
The original Bill issued strict guidelines governing test scores for students, but changes made last year eased a child's need to comprehend English and relaxes math testing requirements, two of George Bush's major failings. " The President felt bad that kids had to study math and English.", said Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity, "After all, those were two of the most painful courses for him to take in school; a lot of kids laughed at him and he never forgot it. I personally think that's why he went after Saddam Hussein. Kids can be so cruel."
The changes included provisions that exempted children from knowing basic arithmetic, simple language structures, pronunciation and environmentally related studies. " We thought getting rid of the environmental thing was important, even though it wasn't in the original bill.," said Waterhouse, still speaking on the condition of anonymity, " After all, the Environment is isn't going to increase global trade, fight terrorism or build nations, you know, the Administrations priorities. In fact, we're thinking of offering extra credit to any student in the first, second or third grades and an exemption from high school that make a commitment to enlist in the Army when they graduate from grade school. Upon their deaths in combat however, they will be awarded an honorary doctorate from the university of their choice. Looks good on the ‘ole tombstone, you know?"