Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: Washington, Senate

Wednesday, 6 October 2004

image for Probe into U.S. Senate reveals secret "Fight Club"
Nevah Tawk About U.S. Senate Fight Club

Washington - The first rule of Senate Fight Club is that you do not talk about Senate Fight Club. That was until now. After a report detailing the ultra secret pact between the 100 U.S. Senators was released on Thursday, it seems everyone is talking about Fight Club.

Rumors began leaking out in June, about the time Ted Kennedy showed up at a Senate Finance Committee meeting with his hand in a cast and both eyes blackened. Then there was Hillary Rodham Clinton at role call in July missing a fist-sized chunk of hair. Both played off the injuries as "minor" and largely superficial, but it was enough to prompt a probe by an independent Washington watch dog group.

Citizens Against Government Waste (CAGW) typically reports on the shortcomings of the two houses - congress missing the annual budget deadline or how to balance the postal system reform act - but this report looks at a much different rogue act.

According to the report, Senate members have weekly "sessions" in a cramped room below the chamber floor usually reserved for a backlog of paperwork. One anonymous source pointed the finger at Pennsylvania Republican Arlen Specter as the ring leader. The source was quoted as saying, "Arlen had us all in from the beginning, but we didn't know it at the time. He started with easy targets; Kennedy, Joe Biden (D-DE), Zell Miller. Hell, Zell crapped his pants in anticipation."

The report details legendary bouts and unfair beatings handed down by some of the most accomplished men and women in the nation. It states that, "On Hillary Clinton's first night she suffered a broken tooth and a burst ear drum at the hands of her fellow New Yorker Charles Schumer. Hillary took it like a champ, you could tell she knew how to handle her business."

The only piece of hard evidence uncovered appeared to be a set of guidelines or standards for how the sessions would be run:

"The first rule of U.S. Senate Fight Club is - you do not talk about U.S. Senate Fight Club. Provision number 1a., code 6F of U.S. Fight Club is - you DO NOT talk about U.S. Senate Fight Club. Amendment one to rule 1a. code 6f of U.S. Senate Fight Club, someone yells "WMD's!", goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. The 19th amendment: only two guys or two girls, or two girls and Ted Kennedy to a fight. Fifth rule, one fight at a time Senators. Sixth rule, no shirt, no shoes, ok Lieberman you prude, shirt and shoes. Seventh rule, fights will go on as long as they have to, it's not like we have anywhere to be. And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at U.S. Senate Fight Club, you have to fight."

When asked about the report, Kansas Senator and Ethics Committee member Pat Roberts decline to comment specifically, only saying cryptically, "On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero." At that time one of the reporters informed Roberts that he had what appeared to be blood on his shirt collar. Upon seeing the red stain, Roberts smirked and indicated that, "it wasn't (his)."

No plans have been drawn up for hearing as of press time, but the fallout is expected to be significant.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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