Terrorist mastermind and Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden said yesterday that he is worried he might be turning gay. Speaking on satellite phone from an undisclosed location in Afghanistan, Mr. Bin Laden said, "There were signs all the time but I just failed to see their significance."
As an example, Mr. Laden recounted an incident from his youth. "I was in the desert trying to get friendly with a camel. Sensing my intentions, the camel ran away every time I approached it. We were simply roaming in the hot sun when we came upon a 4WD with three foreign female tourists. They said that their vehicle had developed some trouble and asked me if I could fix it. It didn't take me more than five minutes to do that but by the time I finished the girls had shed their clothes. They then profusely thanked me for my help and asked if there was ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL that they could do for me. When I asked them if they could hold my camel, they got very angry and said I was SO GAY. I thought they were crazy and went after my camel."
"There were many warnings like that but I chose to ignore all of them. Yesterday, everything changed. I was sleeping and I dreamt about George W. Bush and myself - both of us covered in Vaseline. When I woke up, my clothes were drenched with sweat. I have 20 wives. Being gay is not an option for me."
This reporter asked if he thought President Bush was gay. Mr. Laden replied, "Of course not. I am sure he is straight. You want to know who is gay? It is Kerry. Why else would he pick up the good-looking John Edwards as his running mate?"
Mr. Laden said his favourite TV serial was "Will And Grace" and that his favourite pop star was Elton John. Because Indian films are very popular in Pakistan and Afghanistan, Mr. Laden said, "I just saw Girlfriend!" referring to the controversial lesbian-themed Hindi movie. Mr. Laden then proceeded to condemn Indian fundamentalists for their "anti-gay" stance.
Returning to politics, this reporter asked what he thought of Mullah Omar. Mr. Laden laughed, "He is straight too. But, unlike Bush, he is not a good man. One day, several months before 911, I had to leave camp to visit a neighbouring town. There were many women in the camp and I did not trust the guards. So, I lodged a razor in the private parts of each of the women and left. When I came back, I ordered a naked inspection parade and some of the guards were found to be painfully shortened. So, I asked Mullah Omar to have the men executed. But, much to my surprise, Mullah Omar would do no such thing. Later, it was found that Mullah Omar had lost his power of speech."