CHARLOTTE, North Carolina - Senator John Edwards speaking before a bi-partisan crowd at the opening of a local Farmer Farley Finger-Suckin' Fine Fried Chicken Diner was asked for the 826,419th time if he had fathered a child with one of his campaign workers.
Edwards, angrily put down the chicken wing and his cup of Diet Pepsi and replied "Okay. I give up. I will here and now admit that little two-year-old Quinn's daddy is me."
The senator stated that when The National Enquirer first reported it a mere 17 hours after the initial conception he just figured that no one would believe them since no one has ever believed them before.
He figured that people would say that it was just like their story on Monica Lewinsky's blue dress, Rush Limbaugh's addiction to Flintstone Vitamins, and Governor Sanford's seven UNICEF trips to Argentina.
Edward's pointed out that people have to put things in perspective and understand that he did not shoot anyone, or rob a bank, or try to take back his late night talk show after giving it up seven months ago.
The senator from North Carolina raised his eyebrows and then stated that the American people also have to realize that he was dilly dallying with just one woman, and not 12 or 14 like that half-black skinny golfing Warren Beatty wannabe TigerBoy.
In other news. Thousands of tons of California mud are being shipped down to Villa Caliente, Guatemala, where it has not rained in 118 years. The mud will be dried and manufactured into bricks to build houses, stores, and a high-rise apartment complex.