Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: White House, Polls

Tuesday, 5 October 2004

image for President Cancels Debates
It's a new deal.

After the president's disastrous performance in the first debate, and recognizing Senator Kerry's jump in the polls, actually his leap, catapult, cannon shot, rocket after burn, volcanic blow, all of the above, the White House announced the President would be unable to make his next two debates due to a secret mission.

A trusted member of the president's communication team, who wished to remain anonymous, raised a question about the mission. He was promptly given the choice of early retirement or a transfer to the Iraq office.

Moved by his petulant childish behavior, smirking mouth to the left, smirking mouth to the right, smirking mouth straight on, nose twitch to the left, nose twitch to the right, scowling, downing three glasses of water as though they were a life support system, head bobbing back and forth simulating a private tennis match, and addressing issues as though Kerry had been president for the last four years, the media had gingerly questioned the absence of presidential behavior.

Another member of the communication team, who wished to remain anonymous, lauded the president's ability to successfully pronounce, vociferously. He too was given the choice of early retirement or transfer to Iraq.

Fearing that the cancellation of the next two debates might present an image of the leader of the free world cutting and running, or the possible loss of the man vote, even the reopening the National Guard issue and this time requiring more than a dental exam, the necessity for a secret mission was debated in a soundproofed, windowless room, deep beneath the White House. The team felt that their options were few, sighting they were too over extended to start another war, could not produce a captured Osama Bin Laden, and agreed instead on an October surprise.

Recalling the secret mission Kissinger made to China for President Nixon, the remaining communication team, fearing early retirement or transfer to Iraq, decided on the plan of a secret mission to North Korea. The president would secure a nonproliferation treaty, make the same trip to Iran, promising both nations a trade package. The group think team, predicted the president would regain his lead in the polls, the undecided at last deciding, the man vote cemented, everyone forgetting about the last two debates, guarantee four more years, and Senator Kerry screaming foul. The treaties would be cancelled after the election.

One of the team, who wished to remain anonymous, had suggested the plan be run through with the boss. A second, who also wished to remain anonymous, reminded that Cheney had his cup of Ovaltine at 7:30,
and was asleep by 8:00. Regardless, the two remaining team members agreed to wake him.

A short time later, the secret missions to North Korea and Iran were announced by the White House. Details were to be supplied by President Bush in a live broadcast that evening, by radio.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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