MADISON, Wis. - A Wisconsin newspaper's obituary for Jan Buffet includes a brief remembrance of her life, including how she was upset and offended by President Bush's policies. The obituary then asks people in the swing state to honor her wishes by voting for John Kerry.
Although this may be an unusual forum for such electioneering, it reflects the unwavering support for the Democratic party by Dead-Americans. DNC sources said that some of their most successful "get out the vote" drives have been in local graveyards. "Something about John Kerry really connects with this constituency, they feel like he is one of them," said one source.
Political historian Carson Stevens notes that the DNC's big tent has included Dead-Americans for nearly 50 years. "Kennedy's win in 1960 really opened Democrat's eyes to a voter base that some had dismissed as ‘inconsequential' or ‘illegal,'" said Stevens. "The Republican emphasis on self-reliance and personal achievement fails to resonate with this immobile and decomposing constituency."
In accordance with Buffet's wishes, she will be buried exclusively by union workers earning a living wage and in full compliance with EPA guidelines. Her interment is scheduled for May of 2006.
At a campaign stop in Peaceful Hills cemetery, Kerry promised an unusually enthusiastic field of supporters that his administration will cater to the needs of Dead-Americans better than President Bush. "I owe a great deal to Dead-Americans," said Kerry. "If it weren't for Theresa's late husband, I couldn't afford to be running for office right now."
Kerry continued, "You ask any Dead-American walking down the street what they really want and the answer is always the same: ‘Brains...Brains!' My fellow Americans, I have far more brains than my opponent and he knows it. I mean, look at the size of my head!"
Kerry concluded his stump speech with his signature pitch for JohnKerry.com, saying, "You can go to my website find out how to contribute to my campaign in your will, and you can read the details of my "No-Corpse-Left-Behind" initiative. Thank you for your support."