Written by Cecco
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Topics: Bill Gates

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

image for Bill Gates caught cheating on wife with robomaid
Come on now, honey, she isn't even real!

It looks as though the sixteen year marriage of Bill and Melinda Gates is over, as late last night -if rumours are to be believed- Melinda caught Bill receiving oral sex from his latest pet project, the Microsoft Robomaid, A.K.A 'Laurene V1.6'.

At 9pm last night the local police force began receiving phone calls from worried neighbours who were reporting 'aggressive noises and tears' from the Gates' residence.

Mr Samuel Kaporchnik, from number 132, claimed that he heard through his bedroom wall a 'strange digitalised gurgle that lasted for about seven minutes' which was 'cut short by a loud, feminine shriek'.

And Mrs Wanda Hicks, from 136, told police she heard an unspecific man shouting 'How can it be cheating? She isn't even real?' to which a disgruntled woman replied 'And this is real, is it? What me and you have? I literally can't believe you've done this to me!'

One onlooker, who wished to remain fictitious, reported that at midnight Melinda could be clearly seen attempting to throw Bill's belongings out of the bedroom window, but that her efforts were thwarted by a forcefield that Bill had installed when the house was built, which simply bounced Bill's effects back into the house, occasionally hitting her in the face. This is said to have only enfuriated Melinda more.

At 1am, Melinda is reported to have made a hasty exit from casa Gates, chucking her suitcase into the boot of their Fiat Punto and speeding off, but saving time to wind down the window and shout to the crowd that had gathered on the street outside 'That's right! You all stare and judge! But I'm gonna be rich I tells ya! The richest lass in all the worlds! I'm glad he bummed that robot whore!' before giving a maniacal cackle and disappearing into the night.

And she has a point. Bill will no doubt be violently ruing his decision to not get a pre-nup signed, as the imminent divorce proceedings will instantly plummet Bill, who is currently estimated to be worth in the region of sixty billion dollars (in laymans terms: rich enough to employ Roman Abramovich and Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan as his full time personal rim-jobbers, or rich enough to convince Stephen Baldwin that Christ was a charlatan) to the relatively humiliating position of eleventh richest man in the world, whilst simultaneously rocketing Melinda into pole position as the world's richest female.

Bill and Melinda have been unavailable for comment, but Spoof reporter, Max Smehplehbehdehwehzeh, managed to get an exclusive interview with Laurene over the garden fence as she was tending the roses.

The Robomaid, who is said to bear an uncanny resemblance to Steve Jobs wife, Laurene Powell, was asked a series of question by Max, but it soon became clear that she was still in the beta stage of production and was as yet only capable of saying three random phrases, specifically: 'Of course I can manage that, Willy', 'Oh yeah baby, I don't care if Apple is a smoother operating experience, I love the customisable nature of your hardware', and 'You can't catch no virus off me'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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