Written by Charlie Van Horn

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Monday, 4 October 2004

image for 'Axis of the North' Concerns State Department
The President, being briefed on 'Northerly Threats'

Washington D.C. -- The State Department, concerned over growing rhetoric from countries like North Korea and North Carolina, have issued a decree that the United States is committed to bringing the leaders of the 'Axis of the North' to justice.

"We felt that those criminals, those directional fascists that won't let people go West, need to be dealt with directly" spoke President Bush on Monday during a campaign stop at a Cracker Barrel restaurant outside of Janesville, Wisconsin.

North Korea has been on the US State Departments list of countries Dan Rather should retire to.

"We believe our firm intelligence findings that North Dakota has a large military sub-complex, plus the ability for short and long range nuclear missile strikes" stated Dr. Condoleezza Rice, National Security Adviser.

In a report issued last March, North Dakota may have as many as 1,140 active nuclear weapons, capable of detonation.

"The threat this has on our allies, such as Canada and Poland, is one great enough it should not be ignored. Therefore we are beginning to make contacts in that region of the world to begin bi-lateral talks with the leaders of North Dakota"

Pentagon officials are hinting that if the diplomatic resolution with North Dakota leaders fails to meet our needs, an invasion of North Carolina may be needed.

Winston-Salem resident Audrey Noblicher expressed doubts about her own countries goals for world domination.

"I mean, really, all we have down here is a couple of rusty warships and the cast of 'One Tree Hill', that doesn't make us an 'Axis', does it? We're North Carolina, home of....eh....don't we have a basketball team now?"

The United Nations has had sanctions on North Carolina since the late seventies. Human rights advocacy groups claim that in poorer areas of the country, such as Wilmington, people resort to eating gruel known as 'grits' once or more a day.

John Kerry, campaigning in North Carolina, was accused by the Bush Administration for undermining the war effort.

"The President wants to invade your home and take over your state for its vast resources, like mobile homes and James Van Der Beek." Kerry told supporters on Friday, "But we are going to tell him that back in America, we don't do things like that. Now, let me tell you why I think North Dakota is the real threat to National Security"

UN Resolution 3541-1, demanding that North Carolina dismantle its Waffle House infrastructure, has been stalled due to the veto power of Alabama.

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