Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 18 January 2010

image for Jessica Simpson: "That'll Teach Him (Tony Romo) To Dump Me The Day Before My Birthday!"
Jessica Simpson shown relaxing in her bathtub after returning from Minneapolis. (Photo courtesy of Warren Beatty).

LOS ANGELES - Jessica Simpson had just stepped off the plane from Minneapolis at Los Angeles' LAX Airport when this reporter asked her how she was doing.

Jessica grinned and said that she was doing much better now. When asked to explain she replied that she had gotten her heart broken on July 9, of last year. She pointed out that her then-boyfriend Tony Romo had dumped her on the day before her 29th birthday.

She said that not only was she devastated, but she was embarrassed beyond belief, because not only did all her friends and family know, but thanks to the paparazzi the entire nation knew that she had been dumped like an East L.A. auto parts store dumpster.

Simpson noted that her father had already bought her birthday cake from the famed cake maker from La Habra, California, Cakes 'R' Us.

She said that since the cake had her name on it and was decorated with three inch tall figurines of a female country singer (her) and an NFL football quarterback (T.R.) the cake could not be returned.

When asked what happened to the cake, she replied that her father drove down to West Covina and donated it to The Goldie Hawn Home For Unwed Mothers and Unwed Grandmothers.

Dallas quarterback Tony Romo was asked what had happened to his team who just seemed to never have gotten into the game.

Tony lowered his head and shrugged his shoulders. He was told by a reporter for Canada's Frozen Sports World Magazine that bowing his head and shrugging his shoulders was not an answer.

Romo looked up and admitted that the reporter was right. He then said that right before the game when he looked up in the stands and saw Jessica (Simpson) sitting up in the stands in Section M, Row 9, Seat 7, he knew that he was going to be in for a long day and that it did not look too good for the visiting team (the Cowpokes).

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Actually Simpson was sitting in Section M, Row 7, Seat 9, but it was all academic as she could have been sitting on a lawn chair out in the parking lot and she would still have been able to work her Cajun bayou voodoo against the Cowfellas.]

Newly acquired field goal and point after kicker Shaun Suisham was asked why he had missed two field goals. He quickly replied that losing 34-3, his six points would have hardly mattered as they would have still lost 34-9.

During the pre-game warm ups, Suisham had kicked a total of 80 practice field goals. And he had made 78 out of 80. The only two that he missed was one from 97 yards out and one from 99 yards out.

Suisham was again asked how come he had missed the two field goals. He became somewhat irritated and replied that it was all that blonde voodoo woman's fault.

When told that he could not blame his two missed field goals or the Cowboys 34-3 loss on Jessica Simpson he replied that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones had told the team that if they lose, it will only because of the magic voodoo spell that Tony Romo's ex-overweight girlfriend cast upon the team.

Suisham said that he hopes to be back next year, so he will definitely be sticking to the answer that Mr. Jones gave the team.

In a related story. The Dallas front office reported that shortly after the game a total of 702 individuals called to cancel their season tickets for the 2010-2011 season. When informed of this news Jerry Jones was heard to say that it looks like next year he'll have the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders wearing pasties and the skinniest bikini thongs that Victoria's Secret sells.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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