Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 18 January 2010

image for Dallas Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones Flys To Brazil In Search of A Kicker
Jerry Jones' private jet on its way to take the Cowboys owner to Brazil.

DALLAS - The owner of the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones has flown down to Brazil to conduct tryouts to hopefully find a new field goal kicker among Brazil's dozens of soccer teams.

Jones admitted that the kicking position is not exactly his biggest problem, but he confessed that he just felt that he has to get away for a while to avoid the thousands of questions that the sports media wants to ask him.

He left instructions that his Head Coach Wade Phillips is to meet with the media and answer all of their questions. Wade's standard answer to 88% of the questions he is asked is "We'll be alright."

Well as evidenced by the 34-3 shellacking that his team received at the hands of 40-year-old Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings his team never even got anywhere near to the 'alright level.'

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was asked point blank what happen to cause his team to just totally fall apart. Romo simply smiled, shrugged his shoulders, and replied that when he looked up into the stands and saw Jessica Simpson sitting in Section M, Row 9, Seat 7, he knew that they were in for a mighty long day.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Actually Jessica was sitting in Section M, Row 7, Seat 9, but like Cowboys kicker Shaun Suisham said it was really all academic because Simpson could have been sitting on a lawn chair, wearing flip-flops, eating a hog dog out on the parking lot and she would have still been able to work her powerful Cajun black magic bayou voodoo.]

Suisham was asked if he wasn't perhaps merely trying to find an excuse for the total breakdown of the Cowboys team.

He said no and replied that he remembers several years ago watching a show on the History Channel about a Cajun black magic bayou voodoo witch doctor named Voodoo Stew Chevalier.

He said Chevalier was dressed like a Mardi Gras reveler and he proved his magical power by having Thomas Jefferson's nose on Mount Rushmore fall completely off just 10 minutes after he had concocted a special broth potion consisting of mallard duck nostrils, dung beetle nose hairs, and water flea pee.

SIDENOTE: Jerry Jones has stated that he will be bringing back bags of Amazon-grown Brazil nuts which he will personally give to each one of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders in his appreciation of their extraordinary high-kicking routines.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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