Written by matwil
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Monday, 18 January 2010

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An excuse to annoy Americans

The USA (Uninteresting Side of the Atlantic) Convention opened today in Little Point, Arkansaw, and was attended by hundreds of thousands of uninteresting people.

The guest speaker was, of course, an uninteresting man with dark skin and huge teeth called Baracus Hussyawn Omaha, and he gravely addressed the members to open the Convention. 'People of Little Point and of little interest', he said, in an important-sounding voice like a preacher denouncing a 1950s black and white Hollywood movie for having an intelligent - and hence 'communist' - storyline, 'we have come this far.'

'Far further than our fathers thought we could - well mine thought, anyway. We are here to remind ourselves that yes, we can bore the pants off the rest of the world while sending our troops to defend French oil interests - yes, a lampooner can write my speeches in his tea break - and yes, no, yes, no no no, yes yes!', to a single handclap from a little girl that managed to stay awake during this particularly uninteresting speech. His daughter.

'And so I now proudly give you an even more uninteresting person than me, if that could be possible, so please wake up for a second to give a big yawn to the one, the only (thank heavens) Hitlery Boredom Clintyawn', and delegates that managed to wake up after sitting through Omaha's speech tried futilely to fix their Convention ear plugs on as Mrs.Clintyawn took to the stage.

'Baaaaaaa', she bleated, in that characteristic whiny voice she has, and pulled a few weird faces to make the children in the hall burst into tears. 'Ladies and gentlemen, and Bill, I am here for no reason at all except to boost support for the Republican Party but to act like a deranged squirrel on

[censored in case crybabies here think 12 year-olds might not like drug references], and who put those brackles there? Moniker, if that was you again I'll get my snipers onna you, ya heah?' OK, where was I? In Haiti! Ha ha ... er ... now we are all here today to celebrate being uninteresting. Let's see, who's here, yes every American celebrity since 1946.'

'Hey, Paris, hiya, Rush Limpbore. Oh wow, is that Jim Morrison, Buddy Holliday, Eddie Cochrane, Gregory Peck, Arnold Palmer and Muhammed Ali? Oops, they're all dead, banned or sick. Whew, otherwise there might be interesting people in the USA nowadays. And only entertainers were ever interesting there.'

'So, people of the republic that is the most uninteresting place in the world and has a little boy as President and me - me! - as a Secretary of State, and ... oh no, I'm going into a diabetic coma just listening to my own dreadful whining voice trying to talk about things I ...', and Mrs. Clintyawn was led away by that legendarily uninteresting senile bland American, John McPain.

So it was up to Mr. Omaha to carry on boring people to death. 'Let us just take some time here to act like we are important and dynamic and whatever', he gravely said, stirring his pot of gravy with the silver teaspoon he was born in his mouth with, or something like that, 'we ARE interesting, we ARE - er - well, interesting, and our TV news is filled with me walking around slowly and pointing at people in a very interesting way', and one delegate managed to get the energy up to heckle the President of the USA.

''We are NOT interesting!', he managed to mumble, through his eighth Convention burger of the afternoon, 'there is nothing the USA has ever done that wasn't done hundreds of years before by the rest of the world. Now that's what I call uninteresting! And you, sir, are the most bland, boring, completely and utterly vapid and uninteresting nobody the Uninteresting Side of the Atlantic has ever produced.'

'Now shut up, I need to check how my French oil shares are doing on my Microbore Windless 'another copy of the British achievement of PearMack' computer, and the Convention ended in a typical USA sort of way with all the delegates sitting around twiddling their thumbs and watching the British, French, Chinese and Russians carry on ruling the world.

'Hey, let's make sure the TV makes out it's us ruling the world', Omaha said, though nobody was listening to him. Next year the Uninteresting Side of the Atlantic Convention will be replaced by the How The Mightiest Country In The World Loses To The Mighty Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan Convention - delegates need to bring their own naive brainwashed bullshit with them and a piece of coloured cloth, in case they get scared of temerrorists.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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