California's new Hot Couple, Layla & Lane Kiffin announced the opening today of their new College Enterprise, 'Layla's Lair', a swinging combination of Hooters, The New Oasis Bar & Grill in the UK, and The Penthouse Club.
The dynamic couple has hired former Penthouse Mogul Bob Guccinone to come out of bankruptcy and semi-retirement. Bob experienced whirlwind success through the '70s, but was forced into sexual abstention and lost his lavish lifestyle when his empire crumpled. Even though those 'dark days' he continually supported the careers of USC cheerleaders by being The President of their Booster Club.
Lane said that he and Layla were just too busy to devout the time it would take to make the club a success, she with her cheer leading duties, and he with his recent appointment as head coach of the powerful west coast college football team.
"We wanted an expert in the 'skin business' to make sure this venture accomplished everything we needed to make our relocation to sunny southern California successful," said Lane, " first we needed cash flow, then Layla wanted to insure that her Cheer Mates had a clean environment where they could supplement their cheer leading scholarship with part time jobs making at least $1500 a week ''under the table', and not have the NCCA get their shorts in a twist. Most important, 'Layla's Lair ' is a private club which enables us to continue our recruiting efforts out of the watchful eye of the scholarship regulators...after all, one Reggie Bush is one too many!"
According to Kiffin the private club will feature cheap beer, live entertainment every night, free taxi service, and back room 'study halls' proctored by female grad students to help tutor members of the team who are struggling in their 'Arts& Craft' Major.
Popular weekend wet T-shirt contests are being used as 'matriculating tools' to 'encourage' high school super stars to pick USC over 'giving their life to Jesus' at Notre Dame.
So far, according to Layla, " the devil is winning....we've bagged every recruit Laney wanted, and they're just plumb tickled to be here...especially when we told them we have The Trojan Condom Mascot...the USC TROJAN!
Layla says all the proceeds from the Trojan machine in the restrooms here at the Lair are pooled into a profit sharing bonus payment at the end of the season!"
Guccinone, now 92, and not looking a day over 90, said he was thrilled for the opportunity. The now' semi-hard' former soft porno king, had become somewhat of a recluse retiring to a modest condo overlooking Marina Del Ray, and spending his days and nights with his real passion, painting nude portraits of Cheer Leaders for their friends, family and sneaker sponsors.
In addition to overall creative management and marketing for Layla's, Bob will have a small artist studio and pull out couch in the rear of the Lair, and he expects the proximity of hordes of nubile flesh will reenergize his artistic bent.(no pun intended)
The Kiffins claim that there will be no pole dancing at the club, at least in the beginning, but did confirm they were taking deposits on 'season box seats' in their 'privacy lounges' for boosters,and the fathers of potential recruits that could catch a speeding bullet, run the 40 in 3.9, and kick 65 yard field goals.
Hugh Hefner had been under management consideration by the Kiffins, but refused to adhere to a dress code. "We just couldn't have some wrinkled old pipe smoking horn dog in a bathrobe wandering around here when we were trying to recruit," said Lane, dismissing Hefner.
The LA Kiffins....bigger even than Angie & Brad! What a Country!