The Reverend Pat Robertson has announced on his 700 Club program that he will be selling "Curse Passes" to his viewers. "We have seen in Haiti the havoc that can be reaped by God when a land is cursed. Therefore, we have reached a deal with God and will be offering "Curse Passes" to all of our viewers. The offer is limited to white Anglo Saxon Protestants." Robertson was asked by a reporter if Catholics would qualify. "No cults," the Reverend responded curtly.
Robertson continued, "We will also be offering "Curse Pass Plus" at an additional charge. This will cover things like psoriases, shingles, speech impediments, irritable bowel syndrome, and liberal tendencies."
The first commercials offer the passes at a reduced price of $19.95 and if the caller responds in twenty minutes, a free "Curse Pass" will be included at no extra cost plus a free five pack of "Smite Coupons" that come in a handsome leatherette carrying case. Smite Coupons can used for one time smites on evil doers,including, but not limited to, negroes, Catholics, Muslims, liberals, and Pakistani cab drivers. Additional coupons in five packs can be purchased for $5.95. "You can combine your coupons with family and friends," the ad states, "and smite an entire neighborhood at your leisure! ,The family that smites together, stays right, together"
"We are proud to have made this deal with God," said Robertson. "With him as my helper, we can ward off Lucifer and smite a few of the evil doers along the way. He paused and then said with a beatific smile, "besides, this puppy has legs, it ought to gross a zillion!"