Written by Chuck Terzella
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Saturday, 2 October 2004

image for Tom DeLay Accused of Unethical Behavior: What a Shock
"Would I have done anything differently? Nah."

Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, rebuked by a House Ethics Committee at the end of September for pressuring a fellow member of the House of Representatives to switch his vote on a health care bill, may soon face more serious charges if the House decides to initiate a formal investigation.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Tommy's a good (ole) boy and we in the White House are quite frankly outraged that he may get indicted for something as trivial as breaking the law. I mean, think about it...we're talking about Ethics in the House of Representatives; now, there's an oxymoron if I ever heard one."

Mr. DeLay appeared unconcerned, intimating that the rebuke was nothing more than a Democratic ploy to reveal the truth about Texas Politics and have him thrown in jail. Three of Mr. DeLay's top aides have already been indicted in Texas for breaking laws regarding his fund raising activities. Mr. DeLay has also been accused of illegally soliciting campaign contributions, laundering campaign contributions to influence state legislative races and the improper use of his office to influence various federal agencies.

Mr. DeLay has denied all the allegations saying, " You Yankee queers don't understand Texas. What all I've done can in no way be considered illegal, unless of course a Democrat did it, then we'd tan his hide and nail it to the barn door. I'm telling you right now, that I'm gonna fight these charges with every tool I have at my disposal...intimidation, lying, suppression or falsifying of evidence and out and out physical violence. Texas Politics ain't pretty, son."

The Ethics Panel, which is composed of ten members, five from each party were apparently so worried about pissing Mr. DeLay off that they delivered the rebuke to the House of Representatives by throwing it on the House steps from a speeding car with the windows blacked out and license plates removed. The ten Committee members then entered the Federal Witness Protection Program to escape Mr. DeLay's wrath. Two are already reported as missing.

Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that Tom DeLay doesn't hurt his family continued, " We in the Administration count Mr. DeLay as one of our closest friends and allies, unless of course he gets thrown into jail in which case we've never heard of the stupid son of a bitch. That's Texas Politics."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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