The Department of Homeland Security is further reducing individual rights of the U.S. citizenry in response to "non-intelligence" indicating Islamic terrorists might have been planning something at one time or another, somewhere. The unnamed official, noted it "could be" another attempt at an attack on the greater United States, or "just another lame kettle-corn in the overheated undershorts caper", but "these pesky U.S. citizen's rights have to go, either way."
The reduction in basic rights comes after unnamed U.S. officials again failed to connect the dots in a coloring book; and then said something about "new unintelligent data" that "could suggest" that an Al-Quaida "offshoot" organization in the Arabian country of Yemen "could be" planning another attack. The black masked, gun toting Homeland Security Official further stated that "We need to reign in the rest of any remaining individual rights to ensure protection of the American people."
The new non-intelligence was first reported by the Dumbed Down News Network (DDN News), which was considered to be "incredibly edible" given that "it smelled like good propaganda" even though no verifiable facts, or sources or leads were ever identified or confirmed.
Ms. Neapolitan Ice Cream of Homeland Security, was interviewed by Hassim Al-Logicon on the new non-inteligence. Ms. Ice Cream stated "No one believes al-Quaida in the Arabian peninsula has stopped planning terrorist attacks, which makes whipping out these types of ridiculous stories so much easier."
Rights to be eliminated will range from the right to refuse to turn your wallet over to TSA security agents upon demand to unlimited breathing during actual in-air flight time. Reduced rights are to include no trips to the porta-potty during flight time and a complete prohibition of fiddling with an open fly before and after take-off.
Peace Prizer Barack O'Bomba noted for the major media outlets that rights of foreigners rights are not affected and "keep it coming boys, another couple of years like this first one, and we will achieve our goal of a citizenry with no rights at all." The President was seen leaving the podium with long time mistress Hillary Clinton and book study buddy Bill Ayers. All three were seen toting Karl Marx's A Communist Manifesto for Liberal Ascension to Power.
Praying for a Brokered Deal from Pat Clobbertson,
Dagnabbit Rabbitt Reporting