Billionaire evangelist Pat Robertson admitted today that he made a deal with Satan for worldly success.
"You ask how I know that the Haitians made a deal with the devil?" he said to his radio audience, "Well it's because the Devil Himself told me. We talk every day as I report to him what I do for him.
"Didn't you ever notice I make millions from blood diamonds in Zaire, and none of my Christian flock ever objected?," he went on. "I blamed 9/11 on lesbians! The crazier the things I do and say, the more money I make. That's not how God works. Obviously I did a deal with the Other Guy."
"When I first considered the Bible as the literal truth," Robertson continued. "I was sad because Jesus commanded us to give all we had to the poor. Like the young man He was speaking to, I went away sad, for I too wished to be rich.
"But then I read about Satan offering mastery of the world to Jesus if only He would do homage to the Devil, I thought 'OK, you've got a deal!'"
"At the time, I didn't know what 'do homage' meant, but I thought it had something to do with homos. So I sodomized a statue of Lucifer and said 'I will serve you if you make me rich'.
"I looked again at the Bible and discovered that Satan is called the Father of Lies. All I have to do is find people who like to be lied to, and they will make me rich. I prayed to Satan, and he delivered millions of credulous fools into my hands.
"Now everyone who is listening to my words get down on all fours and bleat like sheep," he commanded, "And send me a fat check!"
Attempts to contact Satan for confirmation of this story were unsuccessful.