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Thursday, 30 September 2004

image for Bush Pledges to Drop Defense Budget by Outsourcing Navy to China
Outsourcer-in-Chief

Coral Gables, FL- Revealing his October Surprise, President Bush has raised the stakes in this year's presidential contest. In a bold move, Bush has revealed a key component of his plan to slash the defense budget by more than $20 billion dollars over the next six years, and offering a conservative estimate of another $25 billion in savings yearly beginning in 2011. Bush's plan: outsourcing the Department of the Navy to China.

Bush addressed a rowdy crowd of cheering Chinese-Americans for Bush outside Wok This Wei, a popular Coral Gables Chinese restaurant.

"We need to keep our country safe from terrorists, this I believe. The government needs fiscal responsibility. This I also believe. And we need strategeric relations with China - this I too believe."

Bush's plan involves enlisting Chinese men and women in the US Navy. The present Naval recruiting function here in the US will be phased out over a four year period.

"We need solid leadership in the White House" continued Bush, "My opponent will say this is a radical idea. But this initiative addresses many issues our great country faces today. First, it keeps our country safe and our navy strong, and God knows we need that right now. Second, it reduces our cost of defense because we can pay them Chinamen a helluva lot less. And third, it establishes solid diplomatic relations with an emerging superpower, thus avoiding another Cold War."

Bush was quick to add, "and fear not, this plan allows for Chinese sailors to become enlisted men and women only. All officer positions are reserved for Americans. And we will never let foreigners drive the ships, only Americans can drive, so we will maintain control of the situation at all times."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld outlined the Bush savings plan. "We plan to save $800 million a year on salaries alone with this one. I mean c'mon, they're Chinese. Those little bastards work their butts off for a bowl of rice. And they will, because that's all they're gonna get. No more logistical nightmares with delivering things like expensive beef and fresh produce to ships at sea; so there's another $60 million. But the big savings comes when we start to replace the fleet with newer ships. The height of the average Chinaman is six inches less than the average American. That means we can shrink the size of ships - less steel. You know what the cost of steel is now days? The savings is HUGE - like $10 billion huge."

The Kerry camp was quick to call foul. Chad Rasmussen, spokesman for the campaign charged that Kerry had a better plan or maybe not, involving India and probably Mexico.

"Senator Kerry might announce tomorrow that his plan would outsource the Navy to India and he is considering offering the Coast Guard to Mexico. He's just been waiting for the right time to announce it - or not."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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