LAREDO, Texas - Kristen Stewart recently flew down to Texas and checked out some South Texas ranches that she had seen for sale on eBay.
She stated that she knows how much her Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson loves to do the "Cowboy Thing" so she figured that she would buy her BFF his very own Texas cattle ranch, complete with a herd of cattle, a couple of oil wells, an old West windmill, and the obligatory barn and bunkhouse.
Kris said that she visited three ranches located just outside of Laredo. The first was The Get Along Little Dogie Ranch. She says that she liked it but she noticed that it had rattlesnakes.
Next she traveled out towards the highway that goes to the Rio Grande Valley and checked out The Rocking R&R Ranch, which had once been owned by Billy Gibbons, lead guitarist and vocalist for ZZ Top.
Kris said that she liked the ranch house which had the letters ZZ branded all over the living room, kitchen, and bedroom, but she said that this ranch, like The Get Along Little Dogie Ranch also had rattlesnakes.
The ranch realtor, Fabulosita Miraflores, next drove Stewart north towards the highway that goes to San Antonio.
As they pulled up to the ranch gate, Kris noticed a mama rattlesnake and three babies. She asked if it was unusual to have so many rattlesnakes slithering around.
Miss Miraflores informed Miss Stewart that this was Texas, and not Beverly Hills, and that rattlesnakes were as much a part of the Texas landscape as gays and lesbians are in San Francisco.
Kris noticed a large sign across the entrance way that said Welcome to El Rancho De La Senorita Loca Ranch. She asked Fabulosita what the name meant. She replied that the name meant 'The Crazy Young Woman Ranch.'
She informed her that back in the 60's the daughter of the ranch owner K. Paso Boca de Vaca, had been bitten on her right one by a rattlesnake.
The daughter's name was Lolita and she vowed to rid the ranch of the pesky rattling vermin. The young senorita managed to trap about 2,000 rattlesnakes within six months, but it seemed that they just kept multiplying like jack rabbits.
One day, when Lolita was checking the rattlesnake traps she fell ill from the heat. The temperature had gotten up around 107 that particular December day.
Lolita started hallucinating and saying that she was Annie Oakley. From that day on the hired ranch hands began calling her La Senorita Loca, but only behind her back.
Stewart asked if there was maybe some kind of rattlesnake insecticide or rattlesnake motels that she could use to rid the rattlesnakes.
Miss Miraflores asked Kris to excuse her for laughing. After she gained her composure she suggested that the best thing to do would be to hire about three illegal aliens, give them each a shotgun with a case of shotgun shells, and tell them that they will be paid 5 cents for each rattlesnake that they shoot.
Kris felt that she could go for that and she knew that Robert would certainly approve. Not only would he be getting rid of the rattlesnake population but he would also be improving international relations with a foreign country as well.
Stewart said that she would take the 3,175 acre ranch and she put the entire amount of $2.9 million on her Diamond Sparkle credit card.
SIDENOTE: El Rancho De La Senorita Loca Ranch was recently named by the noted Texas magazine, Ranch Living Monthly, as the cleanest ranch in the entire state of Texas.