Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: Energy, Middle East

Friday, 24 September 2004

Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham said yesterday that he was in negotiations with Oil Suppliers to release oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to relieve the disruptions of supplies caused by Hurricane Ivan and the President's Middle East Policies. The announcement comes five and one half weeks before the heavily contested Presidential Election.

"As this Administration has stated consistently, the [Strategic Petroleum Reserve] was designed to protect American consumers against supply disruptions, including natural disasters," Abraham said, " and George W. Bush losing the upcoming election is as much of a Natural Disaster as any Neo-Con could contemplate. As for the situation in Iraq and the Middle East, I don't think disruption is too strong a word."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Not content with all the hot air of the campaign we decided to throw gas into the mix. It has always been the goal of this Administration to help all Americans. Up till now we've been helping Big Oil by allowing prices to reach record dollar highs. Now it's time to help the middle men, the poor soldiers who struggle in the trenches refining, buying and selling petroleum products, so we're gonna release every drop of oil reserves we have to the extent of draining the gas and oil out of the Army's Tenth Mountain Division's Humvees for sale to the American Public, just in time for the Election."

When questioned about the timing of the as yet unannounced released date, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of more anonymity continued, " Careful research has shown us that the American Public has an attention span of five weeks maximum, unless of course it's about Black football players killing hot white chicks or husbands killing their pregnant wives, so by Election Day we feel they'll have forgotten the way we raped them in heating oil and gas prices during the past three years. It's really great...everybody wins. The refineries and suppliers and such get a bunch of free oil, the American People get a few weeks of cheaper gas, the President gets a bump in the polls and the Tenth Mountain Division gets a little more exercise humping around Fallujah without a ride, which helps them stay fit. It's perfect."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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