Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Sex, Drugs, sperm, orgasm, Study, Semen

Friday, 8 January 2010

image for New Sex Study Reveals Semen In the Crossfire
Drug maker Pfister hits bullseye with release of Bombardium®: "Don't worry, we've got you covered."

SAN DIEGO, California - Researchers have long known that sex can be fun, that people who have sex often tend to live longer, healthier lives, and that sexually active men have healthier sperm.

What researchers did not know is that the collection of this information can often be detrimental to those who collect it.

A new study published in the Journal of Medicinal Sex reveals that men who collected semen samples for the study had a lower sperm count, and a lower volume of semen which contained a lower percentage of healthier sperm, compared with the men they studied.

The editor-in-chief of the journal, Dr. Wadsworth O'Toole, said that when the implications of the study hit him, he was, "quite frankly, blown away. Even though collecting semen is a very important thing to do from a scientific standpoint, human beings are just not meant for this sort of activity."

In the article, said O'Toole, researchers conclude that men involved with semen sample collection - but not other types of sexual activity - incur the greatest health risks.

For example, one participant who asked not to be identified - we'll call him "Jimmy" - was charged with collecting a discharge several weeks ago.

"So, I'm sitting there watching this guy bang his wife for like half an hour," Jimmy recalled. "It had already been a really long day. I just wanted to clock out, go home and take a cold shower, for Christ's sake.

"Finally, he's like, 'I'm gonna cum... Oh, God! I'm coming!" said Jimmy, "and he starts to pull out. So, I'm all like, 'Here! Nut in this test tube, quick!'

"This guy... He looks at the ceiling and goes, 'Unghh!!'" he explained. "He completely missed the test tube."

Though Jimmy was fortunately able to retrieve a suitable sample from his shirt sleeve, researchers determined after the exchange that he actually had higher blood pressure and higher levels of stress hormones than the couple who had just performed coitus in front of him.

Furthermore, the study showed that Jimmy's ejaculate afterwards came in a reduced volume, with a lower percentage of healthy sperm, and below average marks for sperm count levels.

In fact, his sperm performed more poorly in mathematics across the board.

O'Toole believes despondent and lethargic sperm to be the culprit, depressed at the prospect of being ejected to their deaths in the bottom of a shower, or perhaps on Jimmy's belly, only to be smeared away moments later with a dirty sock, as indicated by the samples he submitted.

"Basically, Jimmy needs to get laid," O'Toole noted.

"Evolution doesn't care about scientific research," he continued. "Evolution strongly rewards behaviors that increase the likelihood of successful gene propagation, and apparently collecting semen samples is not one of those."

Though the study revealed discernible differences between samples collected from heterosexual and homosexual males, the greatest differences were in ejaculate collected off participants' faces of both genders.

Surprisingly, these tended to be the most voluminous discharges with the highest sperm counts, indicating seemingly inexplicable benefits to the so-called "head shot."


Pfister Drug Corp. introduces Bombardium®.

Embarrassed by the quantity of your ejaculate?

Does your partner want a hose-down, when the best you can muster is a couple of little squirts?

Maybe it's time you popped the "Big White Capsule."

Prescription strength Bombardium® (pipenitol megadosin) contains special spermatozoic compounds formulated to increase alphal projections originating in the two seminiferous areas of... that "certain part" of the male anatomy.

Clinical studies show men who use Bombardium® experience ejaculations containing a greater volume of semen, full of more sperm than was believed possible just a few years ago.

Don't let a pathetic little trickle embarrass you ever again.

Try Bombardium®, and get the discharge you've been dreaming about.

Always use protective eyewear when taking Bombardium®.
Use caution if operating heavy machinery while having sex on Bombardium®.
Seek immediate medical attention if your ejaculate travels more than 6 ft. (2m)
Side effects may include Restless Third Leg Syndrome, testicular implosion, temporary partner blindness, semi-permanent sterility, and death.

Do not take Bombardium® if you have no penis.

When it comes to coming, nobody wants to stop short of a full load.

Get what you need to give what it takes.

Ask your doctor if Bombardium® is right for you.


Make The San Francisco Onion's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 5?

3 22 15 10

Go to top