Spiritualists and mediums today confirmed that Senator John Kerry, Democratic presidential nominee, is a reincarnation of Martin Luther King and Quasimodo. They point to his speech in Boston as proof thereof. Kerry began : "I have a hunch..."
It became more pronounced midway through the speech : "....Cambodia you say? It does ring a bell". Which got everyone excited and began a call to investigate whether there was any fact in it. After all anyone this otherwise must be made up of someone or something.
One way of finding out about the past lives of an individual is to use hypnosis. Glenn Ford the famous actor turned up no less than five past lives. Kerry was not as fortunate with hypnosis, they couldn't find any past lives but he's now smoking 30 a day.
If hypnosis fails the next area covered in our investigation is recurring dreams or nightmares. Kerry seems to have dreams of Jonathan Swift the Irish author who was born in Dublin. As we all know Kerry is now Dublin in politics and has made up his very own Swift stories. Not that the senator would ever concede he has made them up, he'd much Rather leave that to others.
Another way in which past lives can be recalled is through profound meditation. He started well, closed his eyes, opened his mouth and rythmically began going "..ahm....ahm...ahm.." Took the Democrats 2 weeks and 4 high court applications, to get the Goldfish Exhibit of America to release him.
The spirtualists then met in a huddle and decided to go for the ; does he look like anyone from the past routine? Here we had a hunch that a breakthrough was imminent and indeed it was. A medium (I'm being kind, she was a large if ever I've seen one) pointed out that there was a lot of Marty Feldman around the eyes.
There was a great deal of pondering and gnashing of teeth before they pronounced that the reading was good. "What about Marilyn Manson?" This was roundly rejected on the grounds that Manson was alive and, in any event, had a personality, which clearly was lacking in the subject.
While all of this was going on, one of the spiritualists made an observation that Kerry was probably the reincarnation of some famous biblical figure. He based this on the view that Heinz were removing salt from their tomato soup, which lends itself to the belief that Kerry was somehow involved in Sodom and Gomorrah.
If you translate the modern day onto the biblical, he was a politician running around going : "Homosexuality, I'm all for it, unless the polls say it's bad, in which case it's disgusting.