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Saturday, 18 September 2004

image for Martha Stewart Wants To Serve Term Now
We interupt this piece to warn Florida residents : An unknown...

Martha Stewart who was convicted in March of lying to investigators and covering up a stock sale, wants to serve her 5 months imprisonment now. She figured that as she wasn't doing anything at the moment, she might as well do it now. Stewart will, in addition to her period of direct imprisonment, spend a further 5 months under house arrest.

Stewart informed the media, that her appeal lawyer Walter Dellinger, had hand delivered a letter to U.S Circuit Judge Miriam Cedarbaum. In it she asks the judge to remove the stay of her prison sentence so she can start serving time now.

Ms Stewart said that she was hoping she could serve her time at the Danbury Correctional Facility in order that her family, including her 90 year old mother, could visit. Her mother's visit may however take longer than 5 months all on it's lonesome...but I digress.

The answer to punishing spoilt kids like Stewart is to send them places where they can benefit the most out of their short time. Let's face it 5 months at Danbury aint it.

A better proposition for Martha would be to spend the 5 months lecturing on women's rights at Teheran University? Correctional services could fund the trip. How much could it cost taxpayers to pay for a cargo freight air ticket, a bus ticket to the university and burial costs? A lot less than 5 months at Danbury I can assure you.

Peter Bacanovic, her stockbroker, was given a similar sentence : 565 years (2 years suspended), a fine of $1Billion payable in 12 equal monthly instalments and if his health should improve at any point during his imprisonment, he will be executed immediately (a kind wellwisher gave him 10 cartons of cigarettes), while Martha gets 5 months. It is societies duty to balance the imbalances of the sentences by making each month count.

If you consider Teheran excessive, what about she serves her time in Zimbabwe as a human rights activist? Bobby Mugabe loves white, women, American, human rights activists with attitude. He is at once kind...the kind of tyrant who would have her stuffed and used as a rug.

If that's no good what about she starts a Home Living network in Afghanistan. The Pashtouns will love it. I'm sure they'll even ask her to go door to door. May be problematic every time she runs into a Taliban but that's half the fun. She'll be able to dabble in stock...the stock of Mr Taliban's rifle.

The nice thing about all these options is that they take the worry out of the 5 months house arrest. Chances are we won't even have to worry about the second week of direct imprisonment.

Forget everything you ever read about prison. They are there to scare you shitless and return you, suitably terrified to society. 5 months at Danbury with mom, at best constitutes an irritation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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