Written by Rebut
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Topics: John Kerry, Polls

Friday, 17 September 2004

Democratic presidential nominee Senator John Kerry has moved swiftly to clarify his Foreign Policy. Polls reflect Kerry is suffering substantial damage in the face of the latest Bush bounce and foreign policy is considered to be the achiles heel of his campaign.

In order to bring Senator Kerry's views to the widest possible audience, campaign guru Mary Beth Cahill elected to do it in the form of an interview on CBS. The presenter was "Dan" (as shown)who said he'd Rather his surname was withheld.

Dan is on record as saying that he would walk the extra mile for Kerry. The Broadcasting Complaints Commission have stated that he will get his chance to do that soon - off a 800 foot pier....once they've had a chance to digest some of Dan's latest offerings...but I digress

Kerry started off slowly. Confirmed the key men in his group on foreign policy were Rand Beers, Richard Morningstar and William Perry. One notable exception being Joe Wilson the genius beind the Saddam uranium investigation in Niger.

Dan then moved him gently onto the troublesome area of Vietnam which these days includes Cambodia. The Senator was ready for it :

"When I said Cambodia, maybe it wasn't really Cambodia, it looked like Cambodia but that's because it was Christmas and I normally like to put on a bit of rouge and I found a document about the Khmer Rouge so I associated the two and came up with Cambodia by mistake. I hope that puts this little problem to bed". (Mary Beth has been in bed with Shingles since the show aired).

Dan then incredibly asked the Senator to give us definite policies on specific problems in the Middle East and Central Asia. Previously Kerry had thrown up a smoke screen of intangibles like "alienating allies, cutting veteran benefits and manipulating intelligence". He conflated inappropriate and appropriate headings, rather than actually furnish solutions to problems.

This time he was ready. He started with Iraq : "This administration went to Iraq without a plan. Worse they went there using manipulated intelligence. They lacked a post war plan. Hell I cannot accept any of this shoddy, poorly thought out garbage. So my message to America, Iraq and the United Nations tonight is that as soon as I am in office I will carry out what we call the 'Heinz with less salt tomato soup Plan''.

"This will include the following : First a complete withdrawal from Iraq of all coalition forces. Second we release Saddam and restore him to the throne and apologise about the boys...very unfortunate, Uday I understand was very involved in soccer. Third we ask Hans Blix to go back and do a proper check. If he finds the weapons of mass destruction we hit them hard, organised and on a proper basis."

The silence in the studio, at first thought to be a loss of sound, was in fact Dan trying to regain his composure. Mary Beth Cahill was already being rushed to a clinic before being taken home to bed. Then viewers through the silence heard the producer screaming down Dan's earpiece : "Ask him about Iran, Israel, Saudia Arabia, North Korea..."

Dan recovered his composure and trying not to let on that he was speaking to his producer said : " Fascinating, but I can see how much that took out of you, would you mind if we skipped every other country this evening? Personally I would rather be sacked, imprisoned and have my spleen removed than tackle any more!"

Critics say that CBS dropped a humungus clanger by simply pulling the plug on program. It would have been far better to have given Senator Kerry an opportunity to say goodnight to America. I mean what harm could he have done?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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