Maui, Hawaii -- President Barack Obama returned last Christmas Eve from an arduous and disappointing day on the Powder Beach Golf Course to his secluded twenty-room villa in Kailua Town, only to find that Tiger Woods was scoring a hole-in-one with his wife, Michelle. As the couple, caught flagrant delicto in the presidential quarters (Secret Service and the president's staff occupy the other half of the sprawling, $10,000-a-day villa), scrambled to reclaim their garments, the president stood speechless and wide-eyed.
The situation for any other man would have elicited a spontaneous ejaculation of surprise and anger, but no words came to Mr. Obama's mind. This was a completely unscripted, unrehearsed, and uncontrived incident; no teleprompters or cue cards were available, so the president remained speechless for a long moment.
The First Lady grabbed a bra and dashed into the bathroom, while Mr. Obama reportedly stood staring at the disgraced golf legend as Woods slipped into his Nike lounge shirt and searched hurriedly for his Poland Springs golf cap in the rumpled silk sheets of the bed.
Senior Secret Service agent John McNish, who followed Mr. Obama a few seconds later to hand him his golfing gloves and scorecard, also stood aghast at the scene. Seeing that his charge was not going to say anything, Mr. McNish exclaimed, "Geez! I thought he only went for white women!"
Mr. Obama calmly inquired of Mr. McNish what Mr. Woods was doing there. The agent replied that he was admitted after a pat-down and search after the golfer called on the villa and claimed he was there to speak with the First Lady about contributing to the Democratic National Committee. "He said Mrs. Obama asked him to call any time, sir," said McNish.
"Gimme my nine iron," replied the president. Agent McNish fetched the club and handed it to the president, then left the bedroom.
Tiger Woods was later admitted to Honolulu General Hospital with bumps, abrasions and cuts he said were the result of running a golf cart into a palm tree. It is not known what was said between President Obama and the First Lady, but unnamed sources in the president's entourage report loud yelling and screaming from the president's quarters.
Robert Gibbs, the president's press secretary, artlessly deflected questions from the traveling press corps and denied the incident happened. "Mr. Woods was not in Hawaii," he told Jake Tapper. "He was in Obama -- I mean Omaha, Nebraska, giving Congressman Ben Nelson golf lessons. The man you saw in Honolulu was an imposter or a look-alike, and probably a Republican, too."