Written by James Jameson
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Saturday, 2 January 2010

image for Hulk Hogan to run for President in 2012
If elected, Hogan would replace the pledge of allegiance to the chorus of "real American"

Professional wrestler Hulk Hogan has announced at a press conference that he wishes to run in the 2012 election for President of the United States.

At the press conference held in Orlando, FL Hogan stated that he is tired of seeing Presidential candidates with such small pythons.

"How can you stop terrorism when you're a small weakling?" He asked a roaring crowd of 25,000. "Brother, Hulk Hogan and all is Hulkamaniacs are gonna run wild all over America and eventually the White House."

Hogan is mainly running on foreign policy citing his match with Iron Sheik in 1984 as proof that he has always been tough on Middle East insurgents. He also plans to pay down the deficit by selling lots of Hulk Hogan merchandise and transferring the money into the Federal Reserve. In order to bring unemployment down to acceptable levels, Hogan hopes start a new wrestling federation and hire many of his friends-he also hopes to sell the rights to "America" a new reality TV show staring everyone that will make every American rich television stars.

Hogan is running as an Independent and while he has had no official endorsements from anyone in the political scene it is well known that California Governor and fellow member of Gold's Gym Arnold Schwarzenegger is a fan of the Hulkster. When asked whether Schwarzenegger could have a place in a Hogan White House Hogan had this to say "totally dude, lemme tell you this Arnie is a great guy and the only other dude on the planet who has the pythons to get the job done." It is hinted that Schwarzenegger would take over the role of Secretary of State.

One question remains however-who will Hogan pick as a running mate? Former Governor Jesse "the body" Ventura is a hot pick as he has the most political experience of any wrestler and could help voter turnout in the traditionally Democratic Minnesota. Ideally, it was rumoured that Hogan wanted to pick Sgt Slaughter however there are several tapes from the early 1990s showing him as an Iraqi sympathiser and while that was a long time ago and he has clearly reformed many on the Hogan campaign are worried about negative repercussions-Hogan would still like to use him in an advisory role or in the Joint Chiefs.

In terms of other party reactions, Republican chairman Michael Steele had this to say "we welcome Hulk Hogan to the political arena as it gives the American people more choice." Though he still believes the GOP will take back the White House in 2012 Republican Senator Leader Mitch McConnell when asked whether the Senate Republicans could work with Hogan said "I think, the GOP being the big tent party probably could work with Hulk Hogan there is more than unites us then divides us."

On the Democratic side Senator Harry Reid said "frankly this is a joke Hogan has never held a Washington job and if there is one thing we have learned it is that the American people value experience. Only an idiot would nominate an inexperienced candidate against someone with Washington experience. Even if Hogan won he would receive no support from this Senate."
With the election years away there is no formal polling on how well Hogan will do although it should be noted that he has been filling parks and stadiums across the country with his speeches and while neither of the main parties are willing to acknowledge him as a threat it should be noted that Obama will be sending his VP Joe Biden to Paris this week to negotiate with TV5 executives for the reality TV series "America."

As the Orlando rally wraps up Hogan has 1 message for Osama Bin Laden "whatcha gonna do when President Hulk Hogan runs wild on you?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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