LOS ANGELES - A top swimsuit model has hired famed West Coast attorney Gladys LaBlue to represent her in a sexual harassment lawsuit against Cleveland Cavaliers star Shaquille O'Neal.
Vanessa Lopez claims that the basketball giant has been sending her emails and text messages that say that he wants to (blank) her in her (blank).
Ms. LaBlue has seen the emails and text messages and she says that Mr. O'Neal has sent her close to 400 such messages and that most would make even porn movie queen Jenna Jameson turn pinkish in the face and reddish in the crotch.
Miss Lopez has said that she is so stressed out by all of this harassment that she cannot even put on a swimsuit properly because she is so scared, worried, and confused. She noted that she is even afraid to pull down her underwear to pee.
She pointed out that she has never once encouraged Mr. O'Neal and that the only time she spoke to him was to compliment him on his gigantic 'stimulus package.'
Lopez said that ever since then he has pursued her like Nancy Pelosi pursed a health care program, or like Paris Hilton pursues a camera, or Jennifer Aniston pursues a boyfriend that she can somehow manage to keep for more than just two dates.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Personally I have always wondered. Jen Aniston on the outside appears to be a fairly attractive looking woman. But I wonder what the hell is inside her underwear that makes prospective suitors head for the hills after the first date. Could it be that maybe, just perhaps Jen has a (MALE SEX ORGAN WORD DELETED BY PUBLISHER).]
Shaq was questioned about Miss Lopez' allegations and asked to comment. O'Neal replied in his normal barely audible voice, "I don't know what Lowpess be talkin' 'bout. I just plays bakketball (sic) and dribble, and shoot, and get my big humongous black ass fouled, and den I go to da free thro line and I miss dem free thros left and right. Das all dat I be's doin'."
[WRITER'S NOTE: Let me translate what O'Neal said, "I ain't worth a shit at making free throws."]