HONOLULU - Radio political talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who was admitted into Honolulu's Good Sisters of The Coconut Hospital due to a vocal cord infection, was reportedly punched and kicked by the patient in the next bed.
Details are still somewhat sketchy, but it appears that Rush apparently made some derogatory remarks about the University of West Virginia mascot nickname which is the Mountaineers.
Limbaugh was quoted by one of the nurses, as saying that the college that he attended Southeast Missouri State University had a better mascot nickname, the Flamingos, than West Virginia's Mountaineers.
The patient in the next bed who graduated Summa Beta Abel Baker Charlie from West Virginia University did not take kindly to his alma mater being disrespected.
One of the nurses said that the patient is a highly decorated war veteran who fought in World War 1, World War 2, the Korean Conflict, Vietnam, Desert Storm, Jungle Boogey, The Watts Uprising, Detroit 1, and Detroit 2.
Upon hearing Rush's remark, the patient, who was identified by a hospital custodian as retired Brigadier General Frankie J. from Peckerwood Hollow, West Virginia, instantly jumped out of his bed, with an IV still attached to his wiener (penis) and proceeded to tear old "Mushmouth" Limbaugh a new one (arse for our esteemed British readers or ass for our esteemed American readers).
Luckily for the Rushter, two nurses just happened to walk in and quickly tried to restrain the man known throughout the hospital's ninth floor as "El Guapo #2."
The two nurses who kind of resembled Nicole Richie and Calista Flockhart in the skinny-ass department were no match for El G2.
Both nurses quickly ended up on the floor as El G2 kicked one with his left foot and she ended up with her face jammed into a bed pan and the second nurse was picked up and tossed into the air landing on the TV set with the remote control stuck up her whatchamacallit (wazoo).
Meanwhile during the nurse-El G2 fracas Limbaugh was screaming his head off like a little sidesaddle riding cowfairy from West Hollywood or a limp-wristed pantywaist from San Fransissyco.
Finally hospital security came to Limbaugh's rescue. But the two guards could not restrain the retired West "By God" Virginia Brigadier General. They immediately called for backup and 7 minutes later members of the Honolulu elite SWAT Team showed up.
The first officer sprayed El G2 with pepper spray, but El G2 just shook it off like Nolan Ryan shaking off a catcher's sign. A second officer took out his taser gun and tasered El G2.
The man from the mountains of West Virginia simply made a face and pulled the taser darts out with his teeth. His teeth? Yes ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and Elton John, RuPaul, and Richard Simmons, his teeth.
The first officer quickly made a call to the Hawaiian National Guard. They showed up with an A1M1 tank and after getting the coordinates of the room fired three rounds into Limbaugh's and El G2's room.
Limbaugh again screamed this time sounding like what Nancy Pelosi must sound like when she gets the big "O."
[WRITER'S NOTE: I do hope that no one ends up traumatized by the thought of Nancy Pelosi's big "O."]
Meanwhile as "La Rushita" was screaming like a scalded banshee, El G2, covered in sheet rock dust, soup, jello pudding, and bedpan yuckity yuck, shook his head and took a fork and spoon and started digging a foxhole right there in the middle of his hospital room. The man is truly awesome.
El G2 grabbed Limbaugh. He got the number of the tank crew and called them on his 'Hey Can You Hear Me Now Bitch' Commemorative Cell Phone.
He told them to hold their fire or else he would fix it so that El Rusho never again uttered another derogatory word against President Barack Obama, Michael J. Fox, or Donovan McNabb.
The tank crew acknowledged his transmission and said that they would hold their fire, or to be politically correct they would seize firing.
El G2 said that he was holding Mrs. Limbaugh hostage and that he would exchange "her" for a case of Old Milwaukee Beer, a carton of Marlboro Lights, a bucket of KFC chicken, an 8 by 10 nude glossy of Cheryl Cole, and a helicopter.
The tank commander responded by saying that he would meet each of his demands. He did add that they may have difficulty finding an 8 by 10 glossy of British singer Cheryl Cole and asked if they could substitute a photo of Jessica Simpson, Pamela Anderson, or Carrie Underwood instead.
El G2 thought about it for a moment and said, that he did not care for Simpson or Anderson, but remarked that he would be okay with an 8 by 10 nude glossy of Carrie Underwood.
The arrangements were made. El G2 received his beer, cigarettes, chicken, nude glossy of both Cheryl Cole and Carrie Underwood, and his helicopter.
As he boarded the helicopter he decided to take Rush Limbaugh along with him as well.
The chopper took off with El G2, aka retired Brigadier General Frankie the J and Rush Limbaugh. Reports are that El G2 flew down to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico where he is living the life of a Hacienda boss.
And as for Rush Limbaugh, searchers are still combing the Pacific Ocean, the Baja California Gulf, and Mexico's treacherous La Vieja Chingona Mountains.
One life long resident of the tiny fishing village of Santa Ariana Huffington, who is considered to be the best psychic in all of the Republic of Mexico, known as "El X-Ray," said that he is afraid that Rush Limbaugh was either captured by Mexican mountain bandits and is being held for ransom, or else he may have been dragged away by the dreaded Chupacabra (no pun intended).
In a related story. Rush Limbaugh's fellow GOP talk show hosts, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, and Glenn Beck have printed out flyer's offering $7,000 for the safe return of their fat GOP pal.