HONOLULU, Hawaii - The best doctors in Hawaii examined the loudest bile slinger in America, but were literally unable to locate the source of Rush Limbaugh's alleged chest pains after he was admitted to a local hospital, according to a doctor's report filed Saturday.
Skilled heart surgeons performed a lengthy but fruitless search, finding only an empty cavity where it should be; they indicated development of the controversial Republican entertainer's heart likely stopped even before his mother had a chance to get the vicious bastard out of her womb!
"They say it's a miracle I'm even alive!" Limbaugh, 58, said at the Dairy Queen Medical Center in Honolulu, where the hospital staff did its best to avoid interacting with the notoriously uptight bigot for the duration of his stay.
"We're still not really sure yet if he likes Hawaiians or not," explained a nurse, who asked not to be identified.
Her own ordeal began Wednesday afternoon when Limbaugh checked into the hospital. That's when she said she began to experience a sharp "pain in the neck" unlike "anything I've ever experienced before," she said.
Once doctors saw that she had finally finished swallowing a large handful of painkillers, doctors gave the double-extra-large radio host an angiogram that revealed an empty pericardial sac, with no evidence of atria, ventricles, or any sort of cardiac activity whatsoever!
However, they determined that Limbaugh did in fact suffer "cardiac arrest," though at a much earlier date than they had believed, and of a different sort; Limbaugh is the victim of a condition caused when an obstinate blockage stands in the way of a developing human blastula, causing cell development in the affected area to cease, usually soon after conception.
The affected cells in this case were striated cardiac muscle cells, which ultimately led to the aging juggernaut's unusual condition.
As a result, doctors discovered, the right-wing radical's diaphragm had to gradually take over the extra work load.
"Like it or not," said Dr. Eurah Fakir, "if Rush stops talking, he'll literally drop dead. That's the only thing pumping his blood.
"We're really not sure what may have caused his chest pains, though," he said, scratching his head. "That one's got us stumped."
Even so, Limbaugh was quick to praise the "silent service" of the medical staff.
"It's almost like they weren't even there!" he said. "Let me tell you something, folks, the treatment I received here was the best a man who makes $50 million a year can buy. I don't think there's one thing wrong with the American health care system.
"In fact, folks, I'd say it's working just fine," he added, folding up a brand new prescription for highly potent painkillers and placing it in his shirt pocket. "Lucky thing, too, because I suspect these unexplained chest pains are most likely a recurring condition."
Ironically, before he was hospitalized, Limbaugh had chosen the same holiday destination as vacationing President Obama and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, frequent targets for some of the bloated gasbag's most foul attacks.
Nevertheless, as a gesture of goodwill, they invited the convalescing drug addict to join them for a "beer summit" on the beach near their room at the Kahulahulakahluahuka Motor Lodge and Resort, but Limbaugh declined.
"He... did?" the President slurred as he sat, swaying a bit as he cracked open another tall boy.
"Yeah," Pelosi said, "and it's a shame, too. The view is magnificent today!"
She pointed at Limbaugh, impudently bobbing in the ocean a mere 50 yards away, his enormous, pasty-white ass stuffed in an inner tube, bald head shining in the sun, rubber duck floaties snuggly secured around his upper arms, washing down painkillers with a beer.
"Look!" said Pelosi. "You can see 'The Big Island' from here!"