Written by Ilona Ronay
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Wednesday, 15 September 2004

image for Bush Administration Vows To Offer National Health Insurance To Other Nations
"If Re-Elected, I Will Provide National Health Care to All Other Nations, Just Not to America!"

Washington, DC, and Crawford, TX--President Bush today confirmed that if re-elected, he will offer government-sponsored health care coverage to all other nations who do not currently have national health insurance for their citizens, but his Administration will not offer it to Americans.

"National health insurance reeks of Communism," President Bush reiterated, as he alternated between practicing his smirk and his swagger for his next campaign appearance. "I don't want it in this country. But it's OK for us to give it to other countries because that's foreign policy. We're forcing other countries to do what we want them to do, even if it's something we wouldn't do at home. We'll call it 'No Country Left Behind in Health Care Coverage Except America.'"

The policies would cover examinations, diagnostic tests, necessary procedures, dental care, eyeglasses, prescription drugs, chiropractic, weight-loss programs, massage, reflexology, diet counseling, fashion advice, and LASIK surgery. There will be no need to go through a gatekeeper. There will be no forms to complete.

Reaction from other countries was generally positive, with leaders expressing gratitude that citizens of poorer countries would now be able to get medicines and diagnostic tests and other services and only have to pay a $10 co-pay.

"I feel sorry for Americans, though," said one leader. "Why do they have to buy their drugs from other countries when their own country makes the drugs? Is it like some kind of fun computer game where you have to go back and forth in a maze-like pattern? Do you accrue frequent-flyer points for travelling to Canada for prescription drugs?"

Most Americans who were asked for their opinion were unaware of President Bush's position on this matter. "Truthfully, I blocked out the upcoming election weeks ago," said one citizen. "It's just too painful. And, I'm in the middle of fighting with my insurance company over a $48 bill. They're saying my son really didn't need antibiotic coverage for his strep throat. I'm living the dream of no national health care coverage--I don't have time to follow the election!"

The Kerry-Edwards team deemed it inadvisable to respond directly to the Bush Administration's proposal, but a spokesperson for Kerry said," This focus on foreign policy over domestic issues is completely typical of George Bush. You know that expression NIMBY--Not In MY Back Yard? He's taken it to a new extreme as regards domestic initiatives--not in my country!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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