YUMA, Arizona - Tiger Woods turned 34 on Wednesday, December 30. And for his birthday his attorneys drove him to Yuma, Arizona, where he was registered into The Prickly Saguaro Cactus Rehabilitation Center.
Alvin McFlannel and Max Greenbaum both agreed that if their client Eldrick Tont Woods ever wants to play golf again it is vital that he seek professional help.
Greenbaum stated that The Prickly Saguaro Cactus Rehab Center is the finest of its kind in the land rivaling both The Betty Ford Clinic in Rancho Mirage, California and The Sally Chevrolet Clinic in Rancho Cucamonga, California.
The Prickly, as its staff affectionately refers to it, is also the most expensive clinic of its kind in the entire world. Chelsi "Boo Boo" Bloomingdoll, who is the center's receptionist, says that people who enter The Prickly have to stay a minimum of seven days at a cost of $84,000. She added that meals are provided as well as unlimited refills on Coke Zero.
"Boo Boo" did point out that patients are charged a courtesy fee for snacks such as $17 for a Hostess Twinkie, $9 for a small single serving of M&M's, and $87 for a caviar cookie.
Alvin McFlannel was asked what exactly Tiger Woods is being treated for. He said that, what Mr. Woods is being treated for is no ones business except for his two attorneys, his mother Kuntakinta Woods, his maternal grandmother Floaletta LaShasta Falstaff, and President Barack Obama.
When asked why the president is privy to Tiger's situation, Greenbaum replied because Barack Obama is the president of the United States and he also happens to be a great admirer of Tiger Woods golf game.
Greenbaum was again asked what specifically Woods was being treated for. He replied that he will release a statement to the press once Mr. Woods leaves The Prickly Saguaro Cactus Rehabilitation center next year (January 6, 2010) and not one day sooner.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: A quick text message to the man who knows it all, Larry King, received the reply that Eldrick Tont Woods entered the Prickly to fix his obsessive compulsion to chumbawumbas (jugs), chundini's (booty), and wim wams (woo woo's)]