Mere days after a failed suicide bombing aboard a Detroit-bound civilian aircraft, TSA officials worked around the clock to come up with an instrument to detect explosive devices taped to the scrotum of suspected terrorists. The new instrument was unveiled at a press conference late last night at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport.
The Detonation Inspector for Lower Dorsal Orifices, or DILDO, is inserted in the bare bottom of random passengers after their bag is inspected, their body is scanned, and they pass through a metal detector. It specifically searches for explosive devices that may be hidden in any sensitive areas.
A. Reaction, spokesperson for TSA, released a statement this morning saying, "This device may not deter terrorists, but it will make us all sleep a little better at night knowing anyone that wants to set off a bomb on a plane has one more hoop to jump through."
At last night's press conference, ACLU representative W.T. Frigg expressed concern about the DILDO searches infringing on adult male rights. In response, Reaction assured reporters that women and children would also receive random DILDO searches to avoid sexist profiling.
A. Citizen, a mom of three and frequent traveler, says she is "happy to bend over for the TSA if it means the safety of the public."
Although no studies have proven the efficacy of removing one's shoes, rationing tiny bottles of shampoo, or strip-searching grandmas for toenail clippers, TSA officials are optimistic that anally raping the public will help to protect our freedoms.