President O'Bama lashed out at US Security Agencies today, saying "systemic failures" at the agencies led to the widely publicized "underwear" bomber and Iguana Trumpeter terrorist incidents.
Investigators authorized by O'Bama directly after the incidents have identified a trail of government bureaucrat behaviors at the core of the agency deficiencies including:
(1) Management level employees spending up to 50% of their work day analyzing their retirement benefits brochures and playing video golf on government computers.
(2) Staffers playing "darts" from 2:00 to 4:30 p.m. on full sized replicas of Osama Bin Laden
(3) Screeners taking up to two hours of their work shift each day figuring out how to load confiscated products from travelers into their cars to take home.
(4) Agency Executives spending up to eight hours a day on the phone with Head Hunter agencies while they attempt to get higher paying jobs...........with other government agencies!
Upon reviewing the investigative report Homeland Security Chief Michael "I was a judge once" Whackoff stated "I have worked hard to get all of my buddies jobs here that pay big, 'cause they are my buddies, and after all, what are buddies for?
Agency Director Janet "Give me an Ice Cream" Neopolitan stated she could not comment on the investigation as she has been ordered by the CIA to report for "strip duty". Apparently this is where Janet strips in front of detainees in order to coerce confessions, a move bound to bring the ire of the Red Cross and Human Rights groups.
O'Bama, after hearing these responses from his most trusted agency heads, smiled and said "All is Well as I have made the tough decisions and Have a Happy New Year!
'Tis the Season To Be Jolly, fa la la la laa, la la la laa
Reporting from the US Security Zone,