DETROIT, Michigan - With Detroit continuing to reel from job losses in the U.S. auto industry, President Obama decided to cut his losses and announced today that he is "finally giving up on Motor City," effectively signing its death warrant and declaring it "officially open for terrorist activity."
"Once, Detroit was a metonym for the American auto industry," said the President, addressing anxious reporters at a hastily gathered press conference in front of a boarded-up crack house in the shadow of City Hall.
"More recently, Detroit has become synonymous with 'vast, acrid economic wasteland,'" he continued. "With a heavy heart, and with extraordinary costs having already been incurred, I have decided to put this poor city out of its misery.
"We will begin evacuating Detroit's few remaining residents in mid-January to clear the way for suicide bombers," he said.
"Except for the Insane Clown Posse, of course," he added to a brief round of nervous chuckles. He smiled glibly. "They and their devoted fans are more than welcome to stay."
The President went on to explain that, with most houses in Detroit failing to sell despite asking prices in the neighborhood of a brand-name microwave or toaster oven, he has cleverly negotiated a deal with Osama bin Laden, whereby not only will Osama perform the invaluable service of razing many thousands of worthless homes just like these absolutely free of charge, but he has also agreed to desist from any further terrorist activities within U.S. borders for a period lasting approximately three years.
Upon the expiration of these terms at noon on January 20, 2013, the President may or may not choose to negotiate new terms, depending on the outcome of "certain unrelated events," he said.
Plagued by rising crime rates coupled with an educational system that performs so poorly most students actually know less after passing through the city's public schools, Detroit lost more than half its population over the past 30 years, President Obama explained, so it largely missed its opportunity to benefit from the housing bubble that swept the rest of the country under the previous Bush administration.
As a result, he said, most American cities contain vast tracts of nice, new homes and recent foreclosures, bursting at the seams with tenacious residents that bankers can scarcely force out onto the streets.
On the other hand, Detroit has not seen a single new home constructed since 1974, he noted, and now stands largely abandoned.
Leveling Detroit should provide the city with "a rare opportunity to start over," Obama explained.
With unsightly, delapidated, malodorous and often highly ammoniated communities conveniently reduced to rubble, the cleanup and construction booms expected to follow should provide "a solid foundation for a more stable economy in the future, with jobs for everyone," he said.
Opponents fiercely attacked the President's plan, saying it would "unfairly target" banks and the auto industry, who they say Obama has mistakenly blamed for the plight of those who still eke out a miserable existence amidst mostly vacant swaths of the city.
Despite opponents' protests, the unemployment rate in Motown has undeniably continued to rise more sharply than in any U.S. city, even New Orleans, more than doubling in the past year to current estimates of 130 percent* despite a recent federally approved influx of billions in bailout money for an auto industry fiercely determined to reward executives for failing to create jobs.
Meanwhile, emboldened banks, no longer under the government's thumb after recently paying back federal loans, have begun to gobble up Detroit's few remaining homes from buyers who can no longer afford payments at seven times the national rate in an economy now heavily dependent on Detroit's New Big Three, "inferior crack cocaine, diseased pussy, and recycled aluminum cans," according to the President.
"Look around. There's not even anything left to steal anymore. When we approved a bailout plan, we passed big bucks to the Big Three, but they decided to hold on to them," said Obama, pausing. "Well, I guess you could say the buck really did stop here in Detroit.
"Bring on the suicide bombers," he added dourly.
On a more positive note, President Obama announced that renowned American sculptor Mark Lindquist will be on hand during all phases of the construction of what some have dubbed "New Detroit."
As the city struggles to emerge from these new ruins and escape from its past, Lindquist will be there, attempting to document the process artistically, salvaging great quantities of distressed lumber from the ruins of several anticipated blast sites.
He will later use these to construct a giant Thunderbird in the city's center, symbolizing Detroit's presumed dramatic rise from the ashes.
Obama further revealed that he has designated the Detroit Lionesses' Thunderbird Field "strictly off limits for any terrorist activity."
Experts noted this is likely an attempt to appease conservative Thunderbird executives, whose prudent investment of federal bailout money helped begin this year's resurrection of the beleaguered team, in line with typical "super bowl indicator" economic policy that once made the NFC great, and many investors wealthy.
Note: The 130 percent* figure cited above was exaggerated for comic effect. Detroit's unemployment rate is actually closer to 30 percent, a figure most of the city's residents said they do not find funny at all.