HOLLYWOOD(ABSNN) -- Count Dracula. the real Count Dracula, held a press conference Sunday to bemoan the current crop of "teen angst, heart throb" blood suckers found in wildly popular television and motion pictures.
"What do they know of suffering," he asked reporters. "All the do if screw whatever is in front of them. The male vampires are fags; they'd as soon suck each other than a woman. It's that bitch, Anne Rice's fault. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt sucking each other. Bleeech!"
"There hasn't been a decent vampire in film since Gary Oldman. Now that guy was a pussy magnet--as opposed to being just a pussy!"
"When I was cutting my teeth in Transylvainnia, the women were robust, and actually had busts. This 19-year-old chick looks like a strong wind could blow her away."
The press conference began at twilight and lasted until just before sunrise when the count had to be back in his Hollywood Forever Crypt just above that of Michael Jackson's.
Asked about Jackson, the Count told reporters, "That's one scary motherfucker, let me tell you. But he's no vampire. What he sucks, well, enough said."