Written by Rebut
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Topics: Florida, nuclear

Sunday, 12 September 2004

It has been roundly agreed in intelligence circles that whatever it was that Pyongyang detonated, it was not a nuclear test. That said the explosion created some form of mushroom cloud and like Charley, Frances and Ivan it is headed for Florida.

South Korea and China who picked up the initial explosion described the formation of a mushroom cloud which then headed straight towards Florida as "it appears to be very popular at this time of year".

"John", as this man-made phenomena has been styled has been placed in a holding pattern by the Florida Tourism Board. They have explained that Ivan was first in line with it's ' Jamaica, Cuba and Florida package' and John would have to wait. This of course hasn't stopped them from keeping John next to the airport while officials search it for nail clippers and scissors.

The North Korean foreign minister has complained bitterly about John being required to wait. The FTB's explanation that this was down to fluctuations was met with "fluc tu westerners as well".

Florida residents, Hurricane experts to a man, say John is a joke. Not only is it hardly more than a strong wind but it doesn't even have an eye. What kind of force can something that puny generate?

North Korea are incensed that their wind is not being taken more seriously. Kim Jong Il, the 'Dear Leader' claims that nobody ever takes North Korea seriously and he in particular is treated as nothing more than so much wind.

This of course bodes badly for the region because the Dear Leader is nothing if he is not an ill wind blowing through the corridor of humanity. Either that or the man trying to starve an entire population...but I digress.

The Florida Tourist Board meanwhile is calling on the relevant parties to book before sending their mushroom clouds. It is bad enough that they are inundated with every Hurricane, Typhoon or Tornado in the area without having these man-made clouds also dropping in.

Worse, they have every lunatic Hurricane Hunter wanting accomodation and a vehicle or plane, in order to tear off after every storm in the area. Of course it takes a certain breed of man to do this...but we thought the neanderthal died out 30 000 years ago. Breeding for Hurricane Hunters should be banned and the geniuses neutered before they rush off.

When everyone returns after the storm has passed, these geniuses, unquestionably more dangerous than the storm itself, are still in the area. Would you allow your daughter to date one? Tough, we've neutered 'em!

It's one thing to have to face Ivan but quite another to put up with 'the Hunter of Ivan'. At least Ivan is a natural storm. The hunter is the spawn of the devil hisself, nurtured by a troubled childhood and finishing school at the 'I drove my bicycle into a pole without a helmet academy'. And he's coming to a Hurricane near you.

Of course with "John" there are going to be North Koreans all over Florida. This will bring in valuable North Korean currency which currently trades at 678 987 098 987 765 876 765 to the Dollar. Each one of them looks like a suitcase salesman just carrying in his Dollar.

They will be there to track and ponder the magnificence of John. When they arrive they will of course be surprised by the directions given to them by the residents of Florida every time they ask : "Ah where John?"

With Charley, Frances and Ivan bogging the people of Florida down and the North Koreans being directed to the John, will Jeb be able to vote, will George be able to come to his brother's state for a vote, find out all these and other questions in Farenheit 9/11. (A Mooresville production from the home of the Moores - population 21 000 ; surnames 3)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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