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Sunday, 12 September 2004

image for Extreme Makeover Michael Moore Episode
It looks....unusual Mike..

When we decided to accept Michael Moore's challenge and give him an Extreme Makeover, we realised that this was never going to be easy. Just chatting among ourselves we agreed that Mike would best be served by moving to cities experiencing a blackout. Nevertheless we faced up to the challenge head on.

"When I was approached to do the plastic surgery on Moore I went in with eyes wide open and a motto that reads 'nothing is beyond us'. I was of course totally misguided - that is beyond even the Lord himself. Nothing can fix that" (Garth Fisher - Plastic Surgeon)

Extreme Makeover don't accept that something is impossible - we adapt. In came Kevin Du Pont : "I could see that we had to remove a whole lot of Moore. I started by shortening his ears, knocking his nose into shape with a ballpeen, widened the mouth in a vice, threw away his glasses, filed his teeth down and bingo my name isn't Kevin if that ornery crittur isn't even uglier than when I started out". (Kevin is a carpenter who works in a nearby mall)

Extreme Makeover then brought in a coach who deals with photographic models to get the best of Moore : "I told him straight, Mike you look better by candlelight, no light is even better but avoid going out into direct sunlight at all costs....When he asked me which was his better side I had to be honest and say that that would be the side facing Mecca but at the airport in Saudia Arabia...."

Michael Thurmond was our body makeover specialist : "I was really up for the assignment, even took out books on the Blue Whale from the library. So when the big day dawned I really thought I was ready. Turns out we had to send him to a Body Odour coach first".

"When he arrived at our studio we were telephoning the sewage plant 23 kilometres away to see if it had exploded. The frightening thing was an odour so terrible it was peeling paint seemed to be coming towards us. I did the only kind thing I could, I broke our entire staff's noses with a mallet. That didn't stop our eyes from bleeding when Moore entered the premises". (Dave Kentridge odour analyst)

"Moore informed me that he used "Halliburton Eu de Toilet" on just about everything. Apparently it had brought on many an 'Ode While In Toilet' from family members. This oil cannot be expunged it has to be camouflaged. We were at that time DNA testing human waste from the Dave Matthews Band. So we poured that on him as the only smell more pungent than oil that I could think of".

Mike Thurmond takes up the story : "When he returned to me I was of the firm belief but too polite to tell Moore that he smelled like shit. When I tried to speak to Dave Kentridge I couldn't make out a word he was saying, it was like his nose was broken or something. Anyhow we told Moore that he would need lyposuction by the ton".

"He reported the next day and was hooked up to a tanker but that filled up in only 15 minutes. We decided to run the pipe out to a Halliburton oil tanker and see if their capacity was big enough to do the job. Fortunately it seemed to do the trick and Moore's body and head seemed to be more or less in line with each other".

Finally we kitted him out. It is not every man who can be dressed at the Army & Navy Surplus Store but Moore is such a man. Having shed over 400 pounds he was looking svelte...well he'd stopped svelling anyway and fitted the Marquee with room to spare. Shoes by Burger King and a hat from Mumbai completed the picture.

This is the first case in the history of Extreme Makeover that the 'after' picture is just as putrid as the 'before' one. One plus factor is that Kevin threw Moore's glasses away so he feels as if there has been an improvement. That alone makes it worth the effort.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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