Written by matwil
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Monday, 21 December 2009

image for Mourning as another American nobody dies
The Who S A didn't even design this flag or write their own national anthem

The USA, which once produced many of the most famous people in the world - well, movie stars and golfers - today was in mourning as yet another American nobody died.

Britney Whoshe, famous in a small village in Nebraska for once shaking hands with Michael Jackson's pet chimp Shrubbles, tragically suffered a fatal overdose of nobody outside of the USA ever having heard of her, and joined thousands of American Senators, Congressmen, Generals, movie stars, Presidential candidates, and other nobodies to suffer a fate worse than death, one of being the target of endless cheek and jibes from the citizens of the United Kingdom.

But of course American news made Ms. Whoshe's death their main news feature, though even Americans have begun to ask themselves why 250 million people no longer produce any people worth hearing about. 'Maybe it's because many of them are emigrating out of America', chortled British Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

'I mean, when Americans become so desperate for heroes they put an airline pilot on their news for landing a jet safely on water - something every airline pilot in the world is trained to do quite easily on flight simulators - and when their Presidential candidates include a senile old git who was captured four times by the Vietnamese, or a delusional harridan that makes up stories about being shot at in Kosovo and pulls weird faces all the time, like some sort of deranged buck-toothed hamster on drugs, then you just know the poor Yanks are in trouble!'

And Conservative leader David Etonian added: 'While not, of course, wishing to insult 250 million people that are so important to our economy, and kindly keep sending their troops to defend our oil interests, it has to be said that Americans nowadays are a nation of bland children that believe everything they're told on television, and wouldn't survive a second outside of the USA. Which is why they generally stay there.'

But former Liberal leader Charles Sarcastically disagreed with those two. 'Why bother being polite about those dumbos? They've been brought up to believe the USA is all important, and then wonder why they can't win wars or sports, duhhhh!'

'And if there's ever been any undisputed important American inventions, I've never heard of them. After 233 years of 'independence' they've never achieved a single thing, and now with the internet they've finally found out that the rest of the world laughs at them, especially the naughty British! I certainly do, ha ha ha ha ha!'

Scotsmen that Americans have tried to claim as their own include Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, John Paul Jones, the leader of the US Revolutionary Navy, Andrew Carnegie, major industrialist and infamous strike-breaker, but also major charity donor, and many, many others.

'If one of the world's tiniest countries that is Scotland can produce those men, plus the inventors of the television, the steam engine, logarithms, hospital anaesthetics, golf, tarmacadam and the discoverer of penicillin, why are 250 million Americans reduced to making some nobody like Britney Whoshe famous? It's almost as if the USA is completely unimportant', said John Paul Jones, before joining Led Zeppelin as their bass player.

But US President Blandack O'Token tried to be patriotic about a country he had never heard of until he was 8 years old. 'Let us not poke fun at what some might say are a bunch of drama queens that have to invent celebrities nowadays because no Americans do anything at all of interest.'

'Let us take my own career as President as a fine example of just how wrong that suggestion is. Why, I am the first American President to ... er ... well, Michelle, what have I achieved so far?' 'Nothing! Now get on with washing the dishes!' 'Thank you so much, my dearest.'

'I am actually the first American President that, in the fullness of time and endless waffling to pad out sentences to hypnotise Americans into believing that - while not actively doing what those Scotties call 'blethering total pish on an awesome scale', might certainly be deemed verbosity on a diarrheal level. Ok, Michelle, I'm doing them, I'm doing them!'

Next week will see yet another American news story about Madonna/Tiger Woods/Keanu Reeves, all once famous people, though Madonna herself left London after realising that nobody there was even vaguely interested in a badly-trained dancer with a bad dress sense, Woods has retired from sport, and whoever Reeves is he makes John McPain seem like a dynamic and interesting person.

Stan Laurel was English.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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