Written by Rebut
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Friday, 10 September 2004

Osama bin Laden has slammed US pilots who have been carpet bombing near his cave. In a tape forwarded to Al Jazeera, bin Laden says that it is pointless taking out a contract for cable TV, if he is unable to get a clear picture.

Bin Laden went on to say that while he appreciates that the US Forces may well be looking for enemy troops, he must be allowed full enjoyment of his cave. He said he was planning to bring this up at the next meeting of the Cave Body Corporate.

It is unacceptable he told Al Jazeera viewers, when one has a souffle baking in the oven, fresh goats milk in hand and "Sex in the City", just starting, when an almighty series of explosion completely distorts your picture and collapses the souffle.

"I'd be lying if I told you I could get a decent picture at any time during the show. I mean what is the point in having over a hundred channels if a picture of snow would have the equivalent entertainment value."

"I must also make an appeal to terrorists to please bring their attacks to acceptable levels. It's become so busy that any attempt to watch decent news is an exercise in futility. I mean Russia is boring at the best of times so watching hour after hour of news relating to Russia should be banned. No wonder they drug their journalists, if I had journalists that boring I would have them shot".

"On Sunday I was busy in the kitchen dicing carrots for a stew and listening to Dr Phil on Oprah coming from the television. He was making an interesting point on being all the lesbian one can be, when the aircraft started loudspeaker announcements totally drowning out the message Dr Phil was trying to convey."

"It is not only irritating it's frustrating as well because they very seldom run re-runs of Oprah. One has to purchase the episode concerned which takes months to acquire. In addition last time I wrote away for the Martha Stewart Series, they bombed the hell out of my last known address".

"As a fan of the NFL and the St Louis Rams in particular I am beside myself with concern that many of the live broadcasts will be ruined by the US Air Force. Surely some consideration must be given to cable viewers who live down here? I mean it's one thing to want to win a war on terror and quite another to make viewing almost impossible".

"What is worse is that I see my number 2 being captured, and my other senior spokesman carrying on about fighting to the death while I'm out here with the latest appliances, a top cave and the best viewing money can buy but unable to enjoy any of it".

"It is indeed a sad day for cave dwellers everywhere when a man can't sit back and enjoy his evening meal and the latest episode of Frasier. May those fliers know no further peace until they find someone else to go and bother!!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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