Written by Rebut
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Topics: New York, Government

Friday, 10 September 2004

image for US Admits It's Also Drugging Journalists
"Sniffing away George, you shoulda seen 'em.."

American government sources today confirmed that they are also drugging members of the press but with very little joy so far. Pointing to the New York Times' Maureen Dowd as an example, our source indicated that her writing had been poor and unintelligible before and nothing seems to have changed.

"In the case of John Pilger we noticed a rabid like quality as if the writer was subject to the changing of the moon. Since drugging him the quality is just as bad but he writes only in capital letters. We believe this is the only way he can make out what he has written through the haze".

Of course some "writers" were more difficult to drug then others. Michael Moore in particular was proving very difficult until Dr Hans Kleiber of the New York Zoo, prepared a shot which they normally use for Bullwinkle the African Elephant.

"It vos a miracle. Herr Moore started to write und zound like any other person. Der problem vos der cost of using those shots. Gutness ve could zend people to Marz for less".

When Robert Fisk came up there were no end of problems. Study the following piece :

"The American bastards with their filthy attire sliming and creeping along streets built for decent folk, kind folk, folk who will bring peace to this troubled planet. With these Americans the trash of Britain fouling the air and despoiling everything. Kill them, hate them and then anihilate them all".

This was done at his cousin's house in Boston and without any drugs being used. Perhaps if he were neutered and then put down it would be safer than administering drugs.

In some cases the drugs are proving beneficial. Nick Canepa writes a sports column for the San Diego Union Times. He covers the gridiron primarily and this means the San Diego Chargers.

Anyone who covers the Chargers while sober runs the risk of a heart attack or stroke. Now completely drugged out of his mind Nick has started to appreciate the many facets of being a Charger reporter.

The only problem is the off season when he is sober enough to appreciate what all those statistics mean. It's like waking up and finding the girl you married and the pug next door are dead ringers. Apparently he has overcome the problem by buying his own drugs during the close season.

Of course the main difference between the drugging of Russian and American reporters is that the latter are more than happy to receive the "bonus". Hell they pop around to find out if there's any more while the getting's good.

The Russians on the other hand are like girls. Hammering on about being drugged out of their minds, oblivious to the world and unable to feel their feet - Like it's a bad thing.

What is emerging is the new wave of raving journalist and if you've read Fisk hell it makes for interesting reading, even if it seems like a Klingon must have written it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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