WASHINGTON, DC - "The science behind the cataclysmic threat of CO2 has been settled. The elderly have contributed more greenhouse gases to the planet than any other group. Ordinary citizens know the dangers when old people and beans, and cabbage, and eggs mix - an unseen airborne disaster that burns the eyes and leaves victims choking and gasping.
So-called protective undergarments may save pants, but not the environment, and certainly not polar bears." These were the opening remarks of Lisa Jackson in a prepared statement at the news conference on the EPA Assessment of Environmental Hazard Controls. She continued, saying "fart jokes may be funny, but farts kill endangered species."
Sources close to the White House say that it's time the EPA cracked-down on those who have enabled Earth-death for 60, 70, and even 90 years." Other notable statements from Jackson followed:
Jackson: To be fair in assigning carbon debt, the first consideration is that individuals under the age of 18 years should not be penalized while they are denied independence from their reproductive units of origin (RUO). Therefore, a human unit (HU) aged 20 years is rated 2 HCY (Human-Carbon-Years), while a 60-year-old gets rated 42 HCY.
Jackson: Furthermore, the HCY of anyone below age 18 is chargeable to the RUO (often called "parents"). As an example, a 60-year-old may be charged the 18 HCY of offspring, such that additional points result in a rating of 60 HCY. This accurately reflects how the elderly are easily 30 times more dangerous to the planet than 20-year-olds.
Jackson: In the example above, given a Federally Assessed Carbon Unit Liability (FACUL) of $1000 per HCY and $2000 FACUL credits based on yet to be determined social debt and potential scales (SDPS), the 60-year-old would be liable for $58,000 to be collected by the Federal government. The 20-year-old person residing in the US would have no liability, once again reflecting how bad old people are for the planet.
Jackson: We understand that persons of advanced years are often on fixed incomes, and may not be able to afford $58,000 each year under the FACUL regulations. Therefore, government controlled facilities may provide elderly citizens with "green," or environmentally friendly, projects where their participation will reverse the effects of Earth-exterminating behaviors typically associated with old people.
Jackson: Top scientists have recently proposed a completely original idea to allow non-youth / non-middle-aged persons to reverse their carbon debts - "Soylent Green." I want to emphasize in the strongest terms that this new "Soylent Green" program is completely new, and has absolutely no similarities to anything which could be connected to Charlton Heston. This is not some trick to cheat people out of promised benefits that took thousands of dollars from their paychecks every year.
Reporters pressed for details on "Soylent Green" and the negativity directed at seniors, but Jackson maintained that answers would be counter-productive because "science is something that is too complex for reporters and taxpayers to understand." After numerous unanswered questions, Jackson reminded reporters that opposing the EPA amounted to "Earth-treason" and left.