Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Kids, suicide, Playground

Monday, 28 December 2009

According to his friends at the park, Jerry Monson was "a real swinger." The four year old was also often winner of king of the mountain games and, according to his friends, "made the best mud pies ever." Sadly, this playdate playmate was found dead at the bottom of the curly slide on Tuesday morning.

The slide, still surrounded by police tape, sits silent and empty as children spend their time in silent mourning and contemplation on the monkey bars or playing doctor in the sandbox.

"I can't believe he's gone," said Sally Fennis. "Just last week, he pulled my hair, said that I had cooties, and sang I see London, I see France, I see Sally's underpants."

"I'm really going to miss Jerry," said friend Ralph Thomas. "Last week, I told him that I wasn't going to be his friend anymore because he called me a stinky pants. If he could be here today, I'd let him call me a poopy head all he wants to."

Investigating officers said that the cause of death was "Jerry going down the slide head first and backwards, just like his mother warned him not to." The child was met near the bottom by Jack Silver, who was attempting to climb up the slide, also against the wishes and advice of his mother.

Silver's mother says that his facial deformities were not a birth defect and were not caused by the accident. "I kept telling him if he kept making that face that it would stick like that, and it did. The only injuries he suffered in the slide accident were a twisted ankle and a fragile psyche."

No charges are pending in the incident and the death has been ruled a sui-slide.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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