Orlando, Fla - (Bonkers): Golf legend Tiger Woods is counter-suing wife Elin in a divorce petition accusing her of tarnishing his reputation.
"Ain't a ho alive would've treated my client so shabbily," attorney-at-law Randy F Buckskin commented today.
"Mr Woods has been dragged into a sordid accusations freakshow. Dozens of his many admirers have testified as to his lovin, carin nature. His only mistake appears to be marrying this ungrateful foreign woman," Buckskin added.
"No wonder he sought solace from the torment of his marriage bed."
The petition cites countless acts of mindless estrangement that Mrs Woods is accused of committing, 'like not buffin up his gongs.'
"She promised to Love, Honor & Cherish," the lawyer continued.
"Now as all folks full well know that word cherish means an oral intimacy that's every husband nuptial right.
"Call it fellatio if you like!
"Some women think withdrawal of cherishment comes with the wedding band. Sadly this can destroy athletes' insides."
Cherishment expert witnesses like Joslyn James, Holly Sampson and Cori Rist are expected to testify in the 2010 divorce lawsuit.