Swing States in the 2004 election have generated quite a lot of interest in both the Bush and Kerry campaigns. Although there are many undecided states in this year's election, none is getting as much attention as Ohio, mainly because of the recent downsizing of over 170,000 jobs there. In an effort to win the electoral votes of this "battleground" state, President Bush has decided on making it an actual battleground.
On August 5th 2004, Bush issued the following statement as a precursor for military action: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
According to Bush; "By declaring war on Ohio, we will free people of the ‘buckeye' state into voting for the appropriate Presidential Candidate. Now listen here, I can sweet talk those people all day by driving around in that van over there, and in the end, there is still a chance they could vote for the other guy. The only sure fire way of solidifying their vote is the complete removal of any activity by the Democratic Party. We have started by strategically placing troops near all Starbucks chains, Borders Books and Music Stores, various urban areas, and of course, all universities."
When asked by the press if these measures might be a little extreme, President Bush had the following response (our editors have done the best they can to attempt to recreate the correct sentence structure of the Presidents speech); "Sometimes extreme times call for extreme measures. I'm a war President, you know? Listen here, it's not easy being a war President, but if it means takes taking over Ohio to guarantee the safety of America and my Presidency, I'm game. Know what I mean?"
Since the decision of the extraction of the Democratic Party from Ohio would mean that John Kerry would be unable to successfully campaign there, we contacted a Kerry Representative for an appropriate response. After seven minutes of silence he issued the following statement: "Although Mr. Kerry is not in favor of the President taking over Ohio, he complies with him at this time, although he will change his position after several months and declare it a huge mistake. To which he will announce that the ‘W' in George W. Bush stands for "wacky"."