Written by Zabdgrov667
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Thursday, 17 December 2009

image for Stimulus Report - Major Growth in Undocumented Jobs
Candy, an entrepreneur in the entertainment sector.

NEW YORK, NY - Although the effective distribution of credit to private sector employers is below targeted levels, entertainment and personal gratification markets are seeing improvement. Entrepreneurs such as Candy, Cristal, and Honey L'Amor are experiencing phenomenal business in the last 12 months.

Candy: Having to bend over and take a fudge-packing on the job makes some people lazy.... You know, they want easy money, and they take off because something wasn't in their job description. I'm practically over-employed ... 20 hours a week, $1000 an hour with a two hour minimum.

Cristal: I think a lot of businesses are dumb. I mean, just asking a bank for money is dumb. If you really want money from a bank, you find a guy with an office twice as big as an apartment, and go there with a couple of girlfriends, maybe some baby oil, maybe leather straps. Why would anyone want a loan? It's like they give you money, but then they want it back.

Honey: Ever since the government started handing out hundreds of billions of dollars, I've done a ton of birthday parties. One guy on K-Street had like five birthdays, and every time he'd get like a dozen hostesses. We're talking like $400K to $600K a party so him and some friends can have a real good time.

On the healthcare scene, we met a doctor who had apparently lost his office. In the face of adversity, he writes prescriptions in public restrooms, in bars, and sometimes he rolls down the window of his Hummer and delivers prescriptions to patients on the street.

Dr. Gudvibe: Yeah, business real good. Before that stimulus rolled out, a lot of my clients smelled like toilets and rotting garbage. They'd only buy a few pills at a time. Now, a bunch of my clients wear $800 Brooks Brothers suits and got special needs. In fact, I expanded my product line specifically for treating the stresses they face every day. Check out what I call "Millennium" ... it's thousand pill variety pack with OxyContin, Xanax, Seroquel, Dilotin, and maybe a few other things. That stimulus thing kicks ass.

While many criticize the current administration's job creation claims by citing numbers on unemployment, there are plenty of people working on street corners and in alleys. We just have to know where to look when counting jobs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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