In the face of mounting debts and stiff resistance to obtaining employment, former gridiron and Hollywood star OJ Simpson has set up his own academy. In his own words, where others saw problems he saw solutions...and sawed through his neighbours safe to obtain funding.
"May my bank manager never get up alive again if I don't repay every cent with interest" he told us. "This venture will be a great success and over my brothers dead body will anyone interfere with it".
The academy which is housed in OJ's garden deals with teaching people on trial how to approach their evidence.
"Let's use the gloves issue in my trial for starters. We were looking at a size fit which wouldn't do at all. That is to suitable what Judge Ito is to being Judge, totally useless. So what we do is approach the issue scientifically. Either I take chemicals which make my hands swell or my cousin Eddie hits the back of my hands with a block of wood. Voila gloves too small".
"Next we look at the question of likelihood of accused doing the crime. In my case based on evidence, motive and opportunity the chances were 99,99% it was me. This panned out as an acquital based upon the fact that the square root of the right angle of a hippopotomas is equivalent to the surface area of an outdoor cooker."
Mind you OJ Simpson has confirmed to members of the academy that he will not rest until he finds the real killer. We saw a mirror in his entrance hall which means he's getting plenty of rest.
The next course available is dealing with very unfortunate issues in your case. In addition to other evidence, motive and opportunity what about the high speed police chase?
Of course if Judge Ito and the jury are preoccupied with being television stars this does help if you're OJ
but what if you're an ordinary shlock who will be convicted in a minute if you can't come up with a suitable explenation for your incriminating behaviour?
The answer as was the case with the gloves is to get a family member to hit you with a block of wood but this time all over. Then tell the court your accelerator sticks as can be seen by looking at the state of you now.
Apparently elementary wood pummeling is proving so popular that it may be offered as a seperate course. Like jury consultants OJ wood consultants may be compulsory for any well equiped defense team.
In addition the peremptory mirror so you can see the real perpetrator every day.