Stock prices in the latex industry unexpectedly soared today when it was announced that Tiger Woods has instituted a new personal "safe sex" policy.
Despite his recent fall-outs with Gillette and Accenture, it's rumored that the troubled world class athlete will be signing an endorsement contract shortly with Trojan. They are expected to market a new ad campaign with "THE TIGER" condom, which is said to feature glow in the dark tiger stripes. Another new line of condoms titled "THE CLUB" will roll out later next year.
In the meantime, in an effort to offset his financial losses as his endorsement contracts continue to diminish, Tiger Wood's official website is looking to promote just how many women Tiger HASN'T had sex with. Woods's PR camp is hoping to help revive his fallen "good guy" image, as well as reduce his financial losses by paying the women he HASN'T had sex with to speak out, rather than paying millions to silence the ever-growing number of past mistresses willing to sell their stories.
If you are: under the age of 35, preferrably blonde, reasonably attractive, and HAVEN'T grabbed Tiger by the tail, you can qualify to receive $10,000 for a NON-sexual sworn statement. Note, the offer excludes all adult movie actresses, club-hopping party girls and hostesses, pole-dancers and general money-grubbing opportunists.