According to a recent survey of over 7000 Wal-Mart shoppers, 23.5 percent said they leaned towards voting for President Bush as opposed to 16 percent for Kerry. To test this new poll, our editors sent a reporter to ask fellow Wal-Mart shoppers why they think Bush was the right choice for re-election. Our reporter returned with one interview because he is a lazy, lazy man (memo to self: fire Bill). For the continuity of this story, we have decided to publish his horrible interview unedited:
Marge Henckleson, 54, 5'2, 300lbs, mother of 3, feels Target is to "uppity" for her standards, likes paper plates, dreams of Barbados (just kidding), and loves Amish country; had the following to say when asked about this years election: "Where are the canned beets located? God, I love this store, but I'm gettin' so sick of milling up and down these isles. You know what I mean? Oh yeah, the election. I like George cuz he's against all the stuff that's important. I love the 700 club; it's so informative and lets me know exactly what's going on. Did you know a killer virus will attack the planet in 30 days? Yeah! I heard that this morning, and if anyone can handle a killer virus, it would be George Bush. Did you ever see the 'monkey' comparison of him on the Internet? Yeah, it was great! He really did look like some of those monkeys. I was at the Toledo Zoo last year and saw quite a few, and I never thought they looked like our President, but now that I've seen that comparison, I look at monkeys totally different now. Monkeys are cute, and our president looks like a monkey, so he's cute, and I think that's why I will vote for him."
Although the percentage of Wal-Mart to Bush supporters is not surprising; the largest percentage of the poll (25.7 percent) said they were still undecided; which makes the title of this article very, very, very misleading. We apologize for taking time out of your life to read this pile of swill. Great! Now I bet this story will be copied all over the web as factual information.