The widely anticipated Second Coming of Jesus Christ was announced on television, radio and internet news outlets all over the world during a press conference held by Vatican officials, who described in great detail the several year process they have gone through to ensure the accuracy of claims made by a 32 year old Akron, Ohio man named Stephen Anderson, who came to the Vatican in 1997 to introduce himself as the Savior. Having provided irrefutable proof that Mr. Anderson is indeed the resurrected son of God, Vatican officials turned the microphone over to Christ (Anderson) himself, and allowed him to deliver his message of peace and love.
Approximately four minutes into his speech, Fox News, which had been carrying the press conference on a 10 second tape delay, cut Christ off in mid speech when he directly endorsed Kerry for President and lambasted the Bush administration as lacking any sort of moral compass. In what could only be called a tirade, a clearly pissed off Lord first assailed Bush for his role in the theft of the 2000 election, and then went off on a variety of topics from women's rights, gay rights, the environment, health care, and the economy. But none of this was heard by viewers of the Fox News Channel, who were instead shown a feel good documentary about the current President, which claimed to show indisputable proof of how Bush and his administration had "saved" America in spite of itself.
After the dust had settled from the press conference, Fox News, known as the official channel of choice for both Christians and Republicans everywhere, was assailed with questions about their stance being so diametrically opposed to that of Christ himself. In response, the Republican Party and Fox News issued a joint press release questioning the wisdom of as they called him, "this new and improved politically correct Christ," saying that he was "clearly on Kerry's payroll", and had "allowed his message of peace to blind him to the plight of real Americans." Noting that Christ "probably doesn't even own an American flag," they assailed this "kinder, gentler, wussy Christ" as "out of touch with reality and real Americans like George W. Bush." In summation, they claimed that Christ's message of turning the other cheek would "make us unsafe from terror" and that his message of love and acceptance of all people particularly those practicing the "aberration" of homosexuality, would "destroy one of our most important institutions…that of marriage," and suggested that His Father should "set him straight, no pun intended."
Surprisingly, a Gallup/USA Today poll out only hours after the controversial press conference and rebuttal shows that President Bush now holds an 8-point lead against John Kerry. The poll also asked the Americans who said they consider themselves Christian and were planning to vote for Bush, who they would worship now that their political views precluded them from worshiping Christ. Not surprisingly, 92% said they would continue, as they always had, to worship the other "Almighty", i.e., "the Almighty Dollar".
In a related story, logic has been declared officially dead today. Apparently, logic had been assailed by unbelievably positive poll results for Bush despite his abysmal record. Logic has been in declining health since Bush, who pulled strings to get out of Vietnam and then went AWOL, and his VP Cheney, who received four college deferments from Vietnam and then got his wife pregnant, solely to receive a fifth deferment, began to reap political benefits by questioning the authenticity of Kerry's two tours of duty and five decorations from the Vietnam conflict. When the most recent poll results went in the opposite direction that logic would predict, it became clear that logic had died a slow, painful death. Logic was 4,517 years old and will be sorely missed.