Islamabad - United State's Officials speaking at a joint conference with their allies say that they are closer to capturing Osama Bin Laden than they have ever been before. One small problem keeps them from swooping down even now ; that being that they have absolutely no idea where he is...but other than that...
Speaking from Islamabad officials say that bin Laden is near where he was previously, parallel to his former position and unmistakenly within sight of someone, somewhere...wherever that may be......
State Department Wunderkind on Counter-terrorism Cofer Black said that the entire infrastructure was in place to capture bin Laden and his Lieutenants. "We're just missing the whereabouts of bin Laden and his lieutenants".
Cofer Black said that success against bin Laden could happen today, tommorrow, the day after...as soon as somebody stumbles onto the hiding place. Mind you after Saddam's spidey-hole this is going to take a helluva stumble.
Black speaking to Pakistani media only said that three quarters of known al Queda leaders had been killed or captured. Considering Black only knows 4 of them, that brings the current total to 3.
He also confirmed that bin Laden on the run from the biggest manhunt ever, is probably spending his
time evading capture rather than going on the offensive. This could be true because local cave dwellers say they have been inundated, which has pushed up the price of caves to almost unaffordable.
Black said that if bin Laden has a watch he should keep an eye out because the clock is ticking. This was a bit unfair because bin Laden's cave is overrun with items that are ticking, many wrapped in brown paper.
On Al Jazeera the other night bin Laden lambasted his men : "How many times must I tell you that my cave's not a place to store unexploded items? Do you listen, hell no you don't listen. One evening just when I thought I had emptied the cave and I sat back with some hot tea, the only sound I could hear was Abdul's son playing in the kitchen. Then he went off...."
"I was furious!! The Scott Peterson trial was reaching the point where you dared not miss a minute and I had to spend hours cleaning Abdul's son off the kitchen walls and ceiling....missed almost everything they played on the tapes including the part where Peterson is heard to be relieved that the body hadn't been found. I mean what is the point of getting a top cave with satellite if you miss the best bits?!!"
"This morning I missed Tom Sizemore refusing to give a urine sample. One more of these and they won't have to capture my Lieutenants I'll turn them in myself. I'm placing on record that Michael Jackson's trial is sacred.....I trust everyone considers themselves suitably warned!"