Written by Jack Kator
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Topics: Tiger Woods

Friday, 11 December 2009

image for Third Woman Who Has NOT Slept With Tiger Comes Forward

Another woman has come forward to indicate that she has not had sex with golfer Tiger Woods. She is the third confirmed woman who has claimed such non-intimacy with him.

Jane DeGood, a dental technician from Lake Richmond, has confided in an exclusive interview to TEZ that that she has never had sex with the world's best golfer. She provided us with cell phone records, voicemail accounts, Twitter feeds, Facebook, Myspace, and Huffington Post blog entries. None of them have any contact whatsoever with Tiger Woods.

As the magnitude of Tiger's dalliances had increased exponentially since his automobile mishap late Thanksgiving night, it was inevitable that women would come forward to claim that they had never slept with Tiger woods. While dozens of women have come forward to claim such Tiger-celibacy, their stories usually fell apart when Internet accounts and/or publicly accessible or subpoenaed phone records clearly showed their rambunctious sexual activity with the World Number One. But DeGood's story appears to be rock solid.

Friends of DeGood stood up for her, even as they reveled in their own hot times with Tiger. "Jane is a trendsetter," said Joanie Kepperlin, the 32,553rd woman to be tied to Tiger's amorous actions. "While many people look at Jane as some sort of 'homesaver,' Jane is really a down-to-earth girl and would stay celibate in the future for ANY celebrity."

Her parents were not so understanding, though. "I put that woman through college, paying good money, and instead of becoming a journalist, a marketing executive, or a pancake server, she takes a job where she is put in the obscene situation of not being able to profit from sleeping with Tiger, "said father Hank DeGood, a local paper salesman. "Sometimes parents express disappointment, but perhaps in the future our daughter will see the light and change her ways."

DeGood's office, beseiged with media from E!, TEZ, and local Orlando affiliates, has temporarily closed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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